Remember when I blogged everyday?

but then this world slipped through my fingers and even the sun seemed tired

I honestly don't know what is wrong with me. I have this inherent nature to destroy just about everything good that comes my way. I freak out. I stress. I make up wild stories in my head. Right now, I'm ruining things with the bf. I have been from the beginning. But I know I'm getting the the point where he's just going to throw up his hands and tell me he's sick of it. I'm afraid of it happening to me, so I keep trying to beat him to the punch line. Which inevitably is just hurting us. 

We bought a big screen tv together. We bought a puppy. We plan on moving in together when my lease is up. Only problem is, I don't think he wants to anymore. I think he just wants to move away from me. I think he's just waiting for after we go on vacation together and his lease expires to peace out. I can feel my heart just sinking with the thought of it all. My feelings haven't changed in all this time for him. If anything they've just become more confirmed that this is for real and not just a game. 

But then why do I keep reverting back to my old games? Breaking up when I get upset. Becoming jealous when he wants to hang out with someome else.

I know I don't ever really want to end it. Well, okay. There's a part of me in the back of my mind that sometimes remembers what my life was like before. You know, all those black out nights and randomness. I had fun. I was out of control. But it wasn't as fun as being with him is. I like staying in at night with him and just watching tv and playing video games. I like having someone to go swimming with and chase around in my bath tub sized pool. I like walking with him and the puppy, urging the puppy to poop. All this makes my threats of not wanting to be with him anymore empty because I know in the end I would be more lost without him than I was before him. 

It's so ironic that when I started this blog, I had such high hopes for life when I had a bf. Like it would solve all my problems and instantly everything would get better. Sure life is a lot nicer when you have someone to come home to. But it hasn't solved everything. I still struggle with my old demons. I don't regret getting into this relationship at all. I want to make it last. I want to all work out, even with it's imperfections. But really, I need to work on myself. I need to stop being so fucking insecure and stop thinking that he's cheating on me. It's just making me look like I'm the one cheating (I couldn't do that to him). I need to stop freaking out and just talk to him when I'm upset and stop blowing everything out of proportion. It's just that no matter how hard I try SOMETHING sets my craziness off and I can't control it. It's like this crazy Helovesmenot monster that sets loose. I just hope that he realizes that no matter what, I want to be with him and I'm trying really hard to give him what he deserves, it's just taking sometime. 

Time Turned Fragile

Remember awhile back when I was freaking out about the future? Well I officially signed up to go back to school this summer. I just got accepted to this program for people that want to go into teaching and already have their bachelor's degree, so it's a mix of graduate classes and undergraduate classes. I should be done in about 1 year. I'm finally doing something to really start the rest of my life. I should feel good about this right?

Wrong.

What if I don't even want to teach? I guess I'll figure it out, but I've had bad experiences through field experience before and it kind of turned me off the teaching. But it was all at one school and I hadn't taken any real education classes in order to prepare me for what I had to do. But what if this isn't for me? This program is too expensive to decide mid-way through that I don't want to do it.

I also can't keep my au pair job for as long as I would like because I have to do student teaching and there's just no way they will let me take off for 13 days one semester and then 60 days another semester. Plus, with class schedules I'll have to have a more flexible schedule. So that will be another added stress to it all- finding another job. But at least I'll be on my way to a real job with benefits and everything. That I can't wait for. I know people say don't try to grow up too fast. But what happens when you're already an adult but no living like one? Well, life gets awful difficult, because I'm there right now. If I had a real job I wouldn't be so strapped right now for everything I would like to do.

Sometimes I wish I could jsut fast forward life so that I can get to the point I want to be at. I'm not asking for anything big or glamorous. I just want to have a decent job that I enjoy. I want to be settled down. Not at the point where I want a family, but with someone that is more permenant than not. I want to get a new dog, mine was just put to sleep and I miss having that companionship, even though I'm in another state, it was nice knowing that when I went home there would always be someone the greet me at the door. I'm sad about him dying, but I know he lived a long life...19 years. He moved on, now I want to. I want to be able to not have to worry about getting sick because I'll have health insurance. I want to have a real home to call my own and throw dinner parties and brunches. I want to be proud of where I live and have everything be MINE not someone elses nice stuff (the roommate). As fast as the past 4 months have been, I wish I could just get to the point in my life so that I can actually experience something.

I realized today how being out of school since December has really changed me. I'm over the college thing. Yes, I miss my school very much. But I'm perfectly content doing the things I do now. I'm also saving a lot of money that I would've been spending on alcohol. Today I went to the zoo with the bf (totally for free!) and saw the baby elephant that was just born. Tonight we stayed in, and I'm okay with not going out and getting crazy drunk. It's no fun being hung over all day anyways. I thought the friends I made in college would also be forever, but lately I've been realizing that they may not. They don't understand that I pine away for school like they eventually will. I don't really get too attached to places like that. It's hard because we're constantly on the move and you can't cling on to every place that you love. I was ready to leave after studying aboard in England. Today one person tried to rub in my face that I was missing a really famous alum going to visit the school and while a little part of me was jealous. I realized that I wouldn't have wanted to spend my day any differently.

In short. I'm ready for life. Come out, come out wherever you are.

Nothing's perfect

So while having a heart to heart today with the roomie (we're kinda talking again...long story short: she did something really shitty to me to make up for the bf being there all the time) because both the boys were gone we discovered we are very much alike when it comes to our relationships, it's kinda scary.

1. We both can't discuss things with our bfs that we disagree with them on. It's frustrates us, gets us no where and ends up making us have to take a 15 minute breather in our closets (they are quite spacious).

2. We like to pick fights. I almost made him sleep in the closet last night because he went to go help some friends and didn't come back until 3:30am. I was pissed. I wouldn't let him touch me. He almost slept in my closet.

3. We get angry at them when they over commit themselves aka both have sports that have start (mine: baseball hers: golf) and they disappear. At least her bf comes back when the sun goes down. Mine doesn't start until I get off of work.

4. They both either text or recieve texts (mine gets them but doesn't respond) to ex gfs. It drives us crazyyyyyyy. I personally get really enraged I have fantasies about grabbing the phone locking myself in the bathroom and giving the stupid girl a piece of my mind. Seriously, this one ex occasionally texts him at 5am and has to hold me back from grabbing is phone and screaming at her. She keeps texting him (yeah, I've snooped and read them) about how he lied to her (I confessed about snooping and got the whole story...from him mom lol..and then him) and she's so much better than him now and how his new gf (ME) looks like she has down syndrome. Don't even get my started on that comment she kept making because seriously that is so not cool on so many levels. I pretty much want her to start the car in a closed garage or something.

Gosh, from all of this it seems like I'm in the worse relationship ever. Don't get me wrong though I love him. I know it hasn't been that long (2 months), but with all the shit we've been through already...how can I not? He does treat me right (had dinner cooked for me by the time I got home from work yesterday), buys me little things, always tells me I'm beautiful once a day (he owes me that one today) and calls me at least once a day while I'm at work. There's been some talk about living together (it's just economically smarter since we're always together) when our leases are up. I don't know if it will work out, but we're going to try. At least then I won't have to worry about getting up and unlocking the door late at night for him.

How old are we again?

My roommate has officially pissed me off. So the bf has been hanging around my apartment more since he got out. Mostly because I wouldn't let him drive since he still doesn't have his license back. I thought the roomie would be fine with it since oh her bf is here all the time, I've put up with him and eating my food for the past 3 months and leaving dirty dishes in the sink and me picking up after both of them. I thought this would illicit some understanding as my bf being around just as much. I thought wrong.

So last Wednesday I woke up early to drop the bf off downtown for his court hearing. We made plans for him to just come back to my place afterwards since he had my keys anyways. Everything is fine, I drop him off. He calls me to tell me that everything in this state is dropped too. YAY. He gets back to my place and goes to turn on the tv. However, the remotes are no where to be found. Not in the cushions. Not in the kitchen by accident. No where. He calls me to ask me if I knew where they were. Nope, the only place I could think of is if my roomie accidently brought htem into her room. Oh, they are there. But it is no accident. She HID them in her desk drawer. Seriously, if she had a problem with him being around so much, then she should have SAID something instead of freaking hiding the remotes. I thought this was plenty immature.

I text her asking her if she's mad about anything. I didn't call because I knew she was at work. She texts back later that night, no. Then she calls me the next day saying she's stressed about work, taking it out on everyone, yes the bf is there a lot, but she's really just stressed. Okay. Fine. But grow up. TALK to me instead of pulling a stunt like that. We're not in college anymore. This isn't a dorm room where you can just switch rooms. We're ADULTS now if you didn't notice. Plus, on top of that I don't know why she's pissed about MY bf being there all the time, when like I said hers is there just as much and eats my food. My bf at least makes an effort to make it seem like he's not even there. He doesn't eat anything that he knows isn't mine, he never leaves dishes in the sink and he picks up after the two of THEM sometimes. He's been so good time me and even to them because he's cooked for them before too. She really has NO reason to complain. Now what sucks the most is that my bf doesn't feel comfortable at my apartment anymore. Tonight is the first night we've been here in over 48 hours. On Wednesday I came home packed some bags and didn't come back until now and only because she's away for work for the weekend. Gosh, how lame is this. Only 8 more months of my lease...

He's been gone for such a long time(Hey-la-day-la my boyfriend's back) Now he's back and things'll be fine

Just want you to all know, that Class 5 is outttt and all of his charges were dropped!! I'm probably the happiest girl alive. I'll give a full update Monday, we're off on a road trip to visit his family and some friends for the weekend. I'm nervoussss to meet his parents ah! Later gators!

"And then the clouds opened up and God said 'I hate you Alfalfa' "

We've been together for a little over a month. I'm smitten though still scared as is my nature. I pick fights, he laughs and says that he'll see me after work. I cry, he does something amazing for me. I go crazy, he holds me until I'm calm. Too good to be true. Because then it's all taken away.

Last night he drove me to CVS to get nyquil so that I can sleep/breath at night. He forgot to turn the lights on for the car. A cop is behind us. And he is whisked away, because of charges I do not know about and it is all still complicated. I miss him so much it hurts. He doesn't know that I didn't leave the court house area for 12 hours. He doesn't know I haven't stopped crying in over 24 hours. He doesn't know that I'm wearing his shirt because it smells like him. He doesn't know I'm sleeping on the couch because my bed is too empty. He doesn't know I'm beside myself and I don't know what to do, I can't eat, I sleep very little. He doesn't know that I've fallen completely in love for him. I miss him. It hurt so much when I saw him in the court room. He didn't see me. I wish he did so that he knows I'm trying my hardest and I care. I'm glad he didn't because I lost it completely when I saw him. I can't be strong for him. I don't know how to. I called everyone I can. I pounded pavement all day. There is nothing I can do. I am alone. His parents are in Indiana. His friends are worthless. My roommate says I've done all I can, which is beyond what someone in a 1 month relationship would do. But I want a hug from the one person that can't give me one. I would give anything to just have him back. Homeless, jobless. I want him. I need him. I will not leave him out on the street. I don't care how sketchy it seems, how little time it's been. I wish I could not care. Say that one month is not worth it. But even if he was just a friend I would be doing the same thing. I love him. I miss him. Please, God, Please.

I have been bad at updating this because we've been spending so much time together. Now he is gone and I don't think I can update for awhile. I need him back. I need the next time I write to be good news. I need him to be looking over my shoulder, smiling about all the good things I tell you. I'll let you know when that happens. Until then, keep pulling those petals trying to get your way.

He loves me...finallyyyyyy

Okay, here's the gossip.

1. I went on more date with other guys while still seeing the Class 5 clinger. All of them awkward and I was a terrible person and would call him afterwards to just cuddle. The more I learned about him and got to know him...I started to really like him. However, after all the SHIT I've been through with guys I was too scared to actually make it official. About 3 weeks into it though I realized I either had to end it or make it official. I made it official. He's now sitting next to me on the couch as I write this (He can't read it hahaha). HeLovesMeNot is offically NOT single. I didn't think this would happen, at least not this soon.

2. 3 days after making it official guess who I hear from???? THE BRIT. I CAN'T believe it. Only took him 5 freakin' months. But I finally have closure, I can let go and put him out of my mind. He said some pretty mean things like implying that he was angry at me for some reason but never alluded to the reason, but then also pulled at some heart strings by saying that he misses me and thinks about me a lot. I cried I'm not gonna lie. But like I said, I have closure. It's finally done and over with and I made the executive decision to cease all further contact with him because I deserve better than that and I finally have it.

3a. Okay...so some juice on THE ENEMY. I recently found out that even though The Teacher has no interest in her, he proceeded to hook up with her whilst incredibly intoxicated, thus furthering his asshole-ness. I actually feel bad for her because she really does like him and that really messed with her head...well I at least think so...I don't actually speak to her. So yeah, I feel sorry for her and hate him even more.
3b. This next story also includes her. So Friday night while hanging with the roomie, my bf (weirdddd) and roomies sister, I get a text from my Best Friend, that she found out I'm on the dating website. They found out because it turns out IRISH didn't meet THE ENEMY through a friend, but ON THE WEBSITE. WE GOT SET UP WITH THE SAME GUY! AND he LIED to me. I was SO pissed at him. AND I was incredibly embarassed that everyone knew about me being on it and it didn't help that the Teacher and his friend kept texting me about it. His friend (whom I know and am kinda friends with) was being nice about it and wanted to go egg her car with me. But the Teacher was being a total ass...espcially since I haven't talked to him since we hooked and I had to get my earrings back through my Best Friends guy. I didn't reply to the Teacher, and I told Irish he was an asshole and he should never talk to me again (okay okay, I didn't STOP talking to him even though I am dating someone...). Irish ended up unfriending myself and The ENEMY on facebook. How LAME. I thought at 26 and 28 (Irish and the The Teacher) guys were supposed to be more adult. Apparently not.

But none of that matters now, Class 5 Clinger is actually a really sweet guy. He does a lot for me and really cares about me. Even though we've only been officially together for a week, unofficially for a month, I can tell he does and I'm really falling for him. I hate to admit it because I really enjoyed being single (despite my rants). But I also enjoy having someone around all the time. And who knows...he might be the ONE.

Absence.

I know I know I have not updated in a long time. A lot has happened love life wise. I shall update this weekend when I'm not totally wiped out. Tune back in by Sunday afternoon. Believe me, you'll want to because I have a lot of juice for you.

He loves me...far too much

So last week I had a date with really hot guy. I basically wanted to rip his clothes off, throw our food off the table and start going at it right there. He pretty much was the sexiest man I've ever laid eyes on. We had a good time, we laughed and ate too much. However, after seeing the movie "He's just not that into you" I can safely come to the conclusion he did not like me quite as much. He said "It was nice meeting you, we should do this again sometime" at the end of the date and hasn't really talked to me since. Just like Shy guy. I strike out with all the guys I find really really attractive. WHY is that?!

Last night, the guy that likes me more than I like him came over. We made dinner, watched a movie and hooked up. While he very good at hooking up, he 1. makes funny faces when hooking up and 2. I AM STILL NOT PHYSICALLY attracted to him. WHICH SUCKS. He's SO nice and funny, it's becoming hard not to like him. But I don't know if I can get over the physical attraction thing. Is that completely shallow of me? Also, last night we consumed a bunch of alcohol and he convinced me that we should be exclusive, but not officially dating (which is basically dating without the label). And I'm totally regretting that decision 100%. I'm SO NOT ready for this. It's WAY WAY WAY too fast and I honestly don't know how to handle it without feeling totally guilty.

On another note, Irish wanted to come over tonight and in light of last nights exclusivity, I made up an excuse that I was going to visit my friends at school. He readily accepted the excuse. I thought he was over me anyways, so I was just really confused. We don't talk as much as we used to and I haven't been over there in almost 3 weeks. All signs pointed to OVER.

Why do guys have to so readily mess with my head? Honestly, my brain is swimming and I'm ready to cancel my website and go into hiding for the rest of my life. You guys can catch me in about 30 years, I'll be the old lady at the bar sipping extra dirty martinis with 4 olives hitting on the young college guys trying to relive the old simple days of random hook ups and sloppy make outs. Or the nun thing is also sounding pretty good also.

Keep on not loving me

So I never heard from Shy Guy this week. Terribly disappointing because he was so adorable. I hung out a couple times though with another guy. He's not that cute, I hate to sound so superficial but I'm really not physically attracted to him. He's really nice and all, but that's it and he keeps saying that he really likes me and that this could go somewhere. It's really actually starting to freak me out. I don't know if it's because I feel like he's moving too fast, that my standards are just too high or if possibly...I don't want to be in a relationship at all.

Yes, that's right.

I don't want to be in a relationship. I honestly think that this is it. I enjoy my independence. Being able to do what I want when I want without having to tell some guy what I'm doing and having him worry. I need someone that does not care about me drinking a lot, which is so so hard to find, I think college best friend found the only guy like that. I also like being able to flirt with whomever I want and not have to worry about anyone getting jealous. I also don't flirt intentionally and that gets the guy I'm dating mad because I keep doing what I do best, just being me.

Or maybe I've been single too long. No no. That can't be it.

Or maybe I'm just really picky and this guy IS scaring me away. He wants to hang out way too much. I need to let him back off a bit. We might even have to call him the Leech. Yes, perfect name. I feel like I would enjoy being in a relationship with someone. Just not him. I need to find the perfect guy. Good thing I have a date next week with another guy...

Clarity and Confusion.

I have made some very important life decisions today:

1. I WILL go back to school for a teaching degree. I haven't decided what grades. But I decided I can't let one bad experience at a terrible high school ruin it for me. If I decide later on that I really don't want to teach well, at least I know it is for real and not because of one student.

2. I have to ride an elephant one day. I brought the boys (I'm an au pair remember?) to the zoo today and we watched the elephants for a good half hour. They are really amazing creatures, probably the most amazing to grace this planet. And for such a big animal they pretty much seem mild tempered. Don't get me wrong though, monkeys will always be my favorite animal. But it was too cold out for them today, so to make up for it I bought a monkey mask. Yes, I am 5 years old at heart.

3. I want to write a novel. I was looking back on this blog and realized that some of this with some editing could be a pretty witty chick lit novel. I need to brush up on the writing and my embellish somethings. But then who doesn't? I don't want it to be totally 100% my life anyways. What do my fellow readers think? It probably won't happen for a REALLY long time though because I don't really have the motivation to do so, I'm a pretty lazy person when it comes down to it. But one day...I want to accomplish this.

4. I like Shy Guy. After out date last night it was decided. But like all guys, I am confused by him. HE asked ME to a nice restaurant, so I assume that he does like me also because he wanted to see me again and spent a lot of money on dinner. He also didn't pick me up though. But he did pull out my chair for me. But then he only gave me a hug at the end. He did pay for it, no questions asked. But he didn't walk me to my car or tell me he would call me or anything. GUYS CONFUSE ME. I HATE THIS GAME. I wish everyone could just be like "I like you" or "I don't like you." And everything would be settled. I would totally do that if it didn't freak people out. Maybe I should try it one day though.

5. On that note, I've decided that with the guys I've been meeting I need to be 100% myself and not try to put on some show to get a guy. I will be me, I won't try to be some sweet delicate flower. Or you know how some women act differently around the guys they like? Well, I'm guilty of that and I'm ending it RIGHT NOW. If I've had a bad day I will be bitchy. If I want to get black out I will. I will be weird and crazy and if they can't handle it, then they can hop on the next bus!

I don't know HOW to date.

College was so much easier to find a boyfriend. Period. End of story. You had parties, mutual friends, classes, clubs, sports, greek life. So many ways to meet so many people. Now, I randomly meet people at bars and instantly forget them. For example, really cute guy Friday night. We talked. I gave him my number. I will never hear from him again. Another random guy asked me out to dinner on Valentines day. I think he called later that night. And there are so many bars in this damn city that I will never see someone more than once.

So my remedy to this: remember when I broke and decided to join one of those stupid dating websites? Well, I've gone out to coffee with a few and talked to a bunch, hooked up with one (Irish is from there). Most have been flops and I feel bad because a couple of them keep badgering me to meet up for drinks or whatever. I keep kindly declining because I don't know what I would tell my roomie. She's already pretty suspicious of the dates I do go on because I keep saying I met them at a store or whatever.

Anyways, other than Irish there was one guy who I was particularly interested in, lets call him Shy Guy, because he really kind of is. It took him a bit to warm up to me, I had to crack a few jokes (not very good ones) and poke fun at him before he realy got comfortable. But I like that in a guy, I find it a lot more attractive than the overly forward. He's also TALL (I lust after tall guys and I'm only 5'2"!), has a good job, is smart, likes the same music (Blink is getting back together...I forsee a good date in that one...). He's kinda the total opposite of Irish, who is very forward. I don't know. I've got two opposite ends of the spectrum so I guess I'll just have to see. So tonight we're going out to dinner to this nice seafood reataurant place. And I'm nervous. I've never been out on a proper date other than all that coffee. I guess it's not toally proper because he's not picking me up, we're meeting there. But still, it's not going out for drinks with a lot of people around. It's just that this is my first real date ever and I'm 21 years old. I don't know what to wear. I don't know what to expect. We've already met once so we're past that first date stage. UGHHHH. I'm going to literally vom. My roomie thinks it would be hilarious if I brought along with me these "Date cards" that have conversation questions on them. It's just the kind of ridiculous thing that I would do, so I will. I don't know if I'll have the guts to actually whip them out. Maybe if the conversation is dying...haha. Why couldn't I have been one of those lucky girls that find their perfect match in college? I mean 60% of the people from my school end up marrying someone else from my school. No such luck for me. I'm actually getting sick of looking. I'm sick of the blind dates. I just want something to finally work out. Or maybe become a nun...do you still have to be a virgin for that?

Singledom and Vday.

This is why I hate this holiday:
1. If you're single you are either depressed because you have no one. Or you're voming because all the love in the air is making you physically hurl.
I am the latter. Today I went shopping and there were so many freakin' couples holding hands and being all lovey dovey. I just wanted to ring someones neck. Fuck, I couldn't even get a pair of underwear without being assault by a couple practically doing it on the display tables. Okay, okay I get it. You love each other. But seriously, I know it's a cliche, but get a room!
2. If you're taken there is this pressure to make the day perfect, and if it's not your significant other will be disappointed.
Example: My roomie's boyfriend has to work tonight sothey tried to do their vday on Tuesday. They were supposed to go out to dinner where he works and blah blah blah. Well dinner plans fell through and instead of rescheduling he had this great idea to cook dinner together (okay, kinda romantic. But cooking with him is NO fun, I mean I couldn't even fry an egg this morning without him looking over my shoulder!!!) He got her flowers, she got him a LOT more than that. His flowers would've been fine if a. they had gone out to dinner or b. he picked something a bit more romantic to do. All of this left her slightly disappointed, and him hostile towards her. Telling her that she is ungrateful and he went out of his way to get flowers (it's not that hard to pick up a 5 dollar bouquet from the grocery store). Then today they were going to get brunch and he wanted to invite her parents! He couldn't even have one meal with her without inviting someone??? SO yeah, she was sad. But then to add in the mix, he complained to ME about her not being appreciative of him and how she should be satisfyed with the flowers. Okay, don't get my wrong here, the flowers were nice and she does appreciate them. But it's the WAY he went about things, making it seem like it was her fault. Well, I mentioned something to her about it and now it looks as if a fight/break up might ensue. She's currently in the other room crying and I don't know what to do. Because honestly, she deserves better. This guy is wayyyy to immature for her. Shoot I'm younger than him and he's way too immature for me.

3. I have a hard time avoiding wearing pink because all I wear is pink or black. Tonight I'm going with black.
To remedy this, I went out and bought 2 more black dresses. As if I needed anymore.

After this whole thing with the my roomie, I'm actually kind of glad I'm single. I got vday cards from my friends and my parents. A bottle of wine from the people I work for. I'm good. I'm happy. And tonight when we go out, all the guys will be single also because all the taken ones will be with their woman cuddling up on the couch with some cheesy movie (unless you're like me, you would drag your man out to a bar and have some real fun!!). So I won't be hitting on your man ladies. Psh, who needs chocolate and flowers anyways? The chocolate makes you fat and the flowers eventually die.

We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful what we pretend to be.- Kurt Vonnegut

Back in the days of high school I read this book called Sloppy Firsts by Megan McCafferty. Amazing book. Then she wrote sequels to it, Second Helpings, Charmed Thirds and Fourth Comings. All good good good. So I was rereading the first 3 and borrowed the new fourth one from the library and finished it today. During this, I realized I was reading my life. The books are about Jessica Darling and are basically her journals throughout high school and college. She goes through the typical teen angst, but in a witty manner and through a crazy relationship with a boy called Marcus Flutie and they are on again, off again. She goes to Columbia, majors in Psychology and ends up not knowing what she's doing for the rest of her life and in serious debt.

So maybe I don't have a boyfriend that's lasted through high school, but I certainly lived the teen angst, and the weird awkward college years and I have DEFINETELY landed in the same place Jessica Darling did. In debt, no direction and finally...oops don't want to spoil the ending. I do suggest reading them, good light reads. Oh yeah and did I mention that both of us graduated a semester early to save money, but are still in huge debt?

But anyway, having this realization today while working as a nanny, I freaked out a little. I have absolutely NO idea what I want to do for the rest of my life. I don't really have any talents, unless you count reading a whole book in one day. I have inspiration or connections or guidance. And then I started to really panic. WHAT IF I END UP BEING A NOTHING FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE?! I have a HUGE college debt that I'm sure my children will end up paying for me because God knows I never will get around to it. I can't even get a jump start on anything because I have no direction. Everything in my life is temporary. My job, my living situation, my friends. I wish someone would just push me into something so I would know. I feel like everyone knows what they want and I'm just hopelessly lost lost lost.

Maybe that's why I'm so desperately looking for a guy because then I would be able to move in one direction with SOMETHING in my life. Right now I have too much freedom and it's too overwhelming. I can do whatever I want. I can move anywhere, do anything. I have nothing holding me back (well, almost nothing...stupid loans). But then again, thinking about Kurt Vonnegut's quote, I am only pretending to be free because really, I've trapped myself. I am not free because I'm too scared to make any life decisions. After making some really stupid ones recently, I realized I need to be more careful. I know I have plenty of time to make big decisions, but I'm so nervous about it all. I just don't know what to do and I feel paralyzed by my fear of not knowing where to go, not knowing if I even have a passion. It makes me feel really worthless right now, like my life is not fulfilling and my oppotunities are wasted on someone that doesn't deserve it. There are people younger than me doing great things and I sit on a couch and read my life away. Not even on intellectual books, at least those would be slightly more impressive.

the joke continues

So after I wrote my post yesterday, I discovered more about my night. In my frenzy to get a cab and desperately make out with The Teacher (who has an amazing ass btw, I forgot to mention that. Okay, he has a good bod all over, but the ass is particularly spectacular.) I ran out of the bar through an emergency exit only gate straight into a cop. He yelled at me. Then I proceeded to walk over to the cop car and tried to get in because I thought it was a cab.

I should lay off the long islands from now on...stick with vod cranberry or something else that is not as strong as my typical long island.

The Joke that is my LIFE

Remember when I said that I had a feeling the Teacher might pop back into my life? Well...he has. Quick recap about the Teacher: He graduated from my college in 2003 and was back for alumni weekend. I met him on the Friday night, hung out, ran away. Saw him the next day with my friends bf. Texted friends bf and told him I wanted to hook up with The Teacher. That night while pregaming the Teacher came over and we hung out for the rest of the night and I brought him back with me. After that we talked on facebook, texted and even went out on one "date." But nothing else. Then we slowly stopped talking.

Well, Thursday night after a couple of bottles of wine I sent him a facebook message. Nothing crazy or anything. Just a simple, "hey how've you been?" Well that sparked conversation and he asked if I was going out last night because he wanted to meet up. Obviously I was going out, and we did meet up. Roomie and I got to the bar and didn't look for them right away. We got drinks and started dancing. I finally spotted him from across the bar and we made eye contact and of course standing next to him was THE ENEMY. Good thing Roomie was there to help me out, she's wonderful, talked me up and got THE ENEMY away from him. I didn't even tell Roomie that she likes The Teacher, it was just so blantly obvious because she stared him up and down and never once left his side. I thought I didn't have a chance. So I got very drunk, wanted to make out. He turned me down because we were at a bar and that wasn't classy. (You all know I loveeee making out. So I didn't even consider that.) Then he had to leave because THE ENEMY wanted to go and she drove him and he couldn't just ditch her. Fine, whatever. But he continued to text me. At about 2 am, I hopped in a cab and paid 20 bucks to get to his house. And OH did we make out. I like hooking up, but I don't like to write about it. But just know it was hot and I'm SO glad that I sent my drunk facebook message. It's been 4 months since the last time we hooked up, I hope he doesn't make me wait that long again because he is definetely a good hook. Oh and a side note, we talked about THE ENEMY because she kept texting him and I mentioned how she HATES me. He said she doesn't hate me, she just has a thing for him. Which I already knew of course. Everyone knows. But GOOD NEWS he's NOT interested in her. I know, I know this should be very very apparent because I was the one that ended up in his bed that night and she went home. But it was nice to have a verbal confirmation.

On the other hand, The Teacher confuses the crap out of me. He's cryptic. He's random and I don't know what he wants. He told me he wants to do it again. Which I responded "Fine by me." And after 4 months he still wanted to hook up. It also helps now that I live in the City now and go to the bars here and not in college and just stay there on the weekends. And now he has his own house, not living with his PARENTS. But still, in the past it wasn't just a hook up, we talked blah blah blah. I don't know why it stopped. I don't understand. See? Confusing. I guess I migt just have to wait and see. I'll add him to my list of current suitors.

Random meme

I try to keep meme's to a minimum when I start a blog, and I avoid them all together on facebook. But I'm bored waiting for the roomie to come home and drink with me.


1. Started your own blog -- this one is kinda stupid since THAT'S WHERE I'M POSTING THIS

2. Slept under the stars

3. Played in a band --- YES I was a band geek.

4. Visited Hawaii

5. Watched a meteor shower

6. Given more than you can afford to charity

7. Been to Disneyworld

8. Climbed a mountain

9. Held a praying mantis

10. Sang a solo - does karaoke count? didn't think so.

11. Bungee jumped

12. Visited Paris

13. Watched a lightning storm at sea

14. Taught yourself an art from scratch

15. Adopted a child

16. Had food poisoning

17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty

18. Grown your own vegetables

19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France

20. Slept on an overnight train.

21. Had a pillow fight

22. Hitch hiked

23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill

24. Built a snow fort --did it the other day

25. Held a lamb

26. Gone skinny dipping

27. Run a Marathon

28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice

29. Seen a total eclipse

30. Watched a sunrise or sunset

31. Hit a home run

32. Been on a cruise

33. Seen Niagara Falls in person

34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors

35. Seen an Amish community

36. Taught yourself a new language

37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied

38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person

39. Gone rock climbing

40. Seen Michelangelo's David

41. Sung karaoke

42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt

43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant

44. Visited Africa

45. Walked on a beach by moonlight

46. Been transported in an ambulance --not me but my junior year roomie, i rode with her

47. Had your portrait painted

48. Gone deep sea fishing

49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person

50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris

51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling

52. Kissed in the rain

53. Played in the mud

54. Gone to a drive-in theater

55. Been in a movie

56. Visited the Great Wall of China

57. Started a business

58. Taken a martial arts class

59. Visited Russia

60. Served at a soup kitchen

61. Sold Girl Scout cookies

62. Gone whale watching

63. Got flowers for no reason

64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma

65. Gone sky diving

66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp

67. Bounced a check

68. Flown in a helicopter

69. Saved a favorite childhood toy

70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial

71. Eaten Caviar

72. Pieced a quilt

73. Stood in Times Square

74. Toured the Everglades

75. Been fired from a job

76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London.

77. Broken a bone

78. Been on a speeding motorcycle

79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person

80. Published a book

81. Visited the Vatican

82. Bought a brand new car

83. Walked in Jerusalem

84. Had your picture in the newspaper

85. Read the entire Bible

86. Visited the White House

87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating

88. Had chickenpox

89. Saved someone’s life

90. Sat on a jury

91. Met someone famous

92. Joined a book club

93. Lost a loved one

94. Had a baby

95. Seen the Alamo in person

96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake

97. Been involved in a lawsuit

98. Owned a cellphone --i'm on my 5th one

99. Been stung by a bee

100. Read an entire book in one day.

Damn I only got 32. I need to travel more.

February Carnival: Love or Break up letter

Considering I have NO one to write a letter to, I'm going to opt for the break up latter. I just went through my facebook and found this letter that I wrote almost 3 months ago to the Brit. It's really not a break up letter, but a more of a I hate your stinking guts because of what you've put me through and everything I've wanted to say but never had the guts to when I was sober. I also edited it a little.

November 10th 2008 2:50 am


Dear The Brit,

I cannot believe you just IGNORED me for 2 weeks. Seriously. I am HE LOVES ME NOT I don't put up with this. I am so over you making me wait and sit around for you to make an excuse for not speaking to me for so damn long. You've had time to get on facebook and what not. You are so out of excuses. At one point I thought I was falling into more than just "like" with you. I can't even say the other four letter l word because it hurts/pisses me off too much. As I said, I'm so over this now. You've proven to me that no matter where I go in the world no matter what happens, ALL GUYS ARE THE SAME. Thanks for making me make one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I can't even fully express in words how I feel. It's a mixture of hurt, saddness and extremely pissed off. But I know that I'll always remember though that time we had in Bath [England]. I'm probably going to to hang on to that for the rest of my life because I'll never regret it. Ever. I had such high hopes even when everyone was telling me don't. Or when they were too scared to hit me up side the head with a 2x4. Right now at this moment. I wish they did so I wouldn't be in this mess right now. Writing this at 3am spilling my heart out. It took a lot to take your picture off my wall and turn my claddagh ring around and admit that I was wrong. I hate regretting things, but now the only thing I regret is thinking that this could go beyond what he had those few special nights in England. I don't like to believe that I make the wrong decisons. This time, maybe I didn't. Maybe I made the right decision to learn the right lesson. And maybe that's all I have left to thank you for. Thank you for making me realize, that no matter how amazing a guy seems, if he has a girlfriend and cheats on her, he is NOT as good as he appears to be. I promise never ever to fall for a guy like you ever again. So, when the voicemails you've left me telling me how much you miss me finally expires and your messages delete from facebook, you'll just be a fading memory like everything else from Bath. One day I'll just be able to delete you from facebook all together, because it's the only way I have to contact you. I know it will take time and you won't just go away, I can't bring myself to hit the "delete friend" button. But one day you will become something I won't hang on to any longer. Just know that I'm so embarrassed because everyone thought I was a fool for falling in love with you but didn't have the heart to say it out loud to make any difference. Now, you won't even respond to me. So I'm going to try to not stare at your face a million times a day and when the time comes for when I was supposed to visit you, I will try to be strong and ignore the pull at my heart.

Love,
He loves me not.

dabagirls.com

Okay, so this has nothing to do with me personally. But I'm currently obsessed with dabagirls.com. I just caught up on all the posts since they started (not a very big feat since it was only started in september). It is all very amusing and has an interesting take on our economy today. I know people grumble and complain about our economy. But honestly, it hasn't effected me yet because I just graduated (okay, getting a job was hard) and I don't have a real job. I personally am going back to school to get a degree in a field that will always be needed (teaching) so even if I cant do it in the US there are always other countries that need teachers. But to see how the economy has effected the high rollers that I used to envy when I went into the city makes me kind of giggle. I'm sorry but they will NEVER know what it's like to REALLY scrape for money and to read about them complaining that .gasp. they can't have their bi-monthly facial makes me laugh and kind of sick all at the sametime. I would like to think that all of this is fictional though. That this is just an adult web version of the gossip girl books that I used to read back in high school. But there is a feeling in my gut that tells me, most of this is probably not fabricated.

On the other hand, I do feel bad for them because it's not their fault that their relationships are going down the shitter. (Okay, some of them it is their fault because they were a bit too greedy for my taste). But stress over the economy for the guys is raging everyday, it become impossible to concentrate on anything else. However, I feel like some of them could be a bit more understanding and try to shed more light on a bad situation. A lot of them obviously are not truly in love with the man they are with, and despite the economy, it was a doomed relationship in the first place. I personally don't care about how much a guy makes or what I can get out of the relationship materialistically. The last two guys I have been attracted to have been guys with substance to their careers. They are making a DIFFERENCE in the world from what they do (teacher and child advocate). Sure, they will never be able to take me on 4 trips to milan in 6 months. But I like the idea that they can wake up in the morning and feel that they are going to touch someones life that day.

I also admire how the dabagirls are very open about their sexual desires. I on the other hand, am not. Okay, so you know I reference "hooking up" but none of you know exactly my definition of this term. It really can be anything from making out horizontally to full blow out sex-scapeds. I kind of like leaving you hanging on that one. Like did I bang Irish? Or did we just make out with heavy petting? Either way. I need to get myself some more of that because 1 year without sex and only a handful of making out horizontally or not has left me wanting more more more!!! I hate to hear my friends complain about it being 4 days. I can't help but LOUDLY reminding them that it has been ONE YEAR since mine. AND I NEED SOME NOW. I guess I could buy a dildo or something, but that doesn't satisfy my need for a post-hook up (sex or no sex...you can debt that yourself) cuddle. Can someone please ship me a boyfriend for all my sexual pleasures? I prefer 6'2", blue eyes and a steady job and a college education.

College days and locked lips

Sorry I've been absent these past couple days. I went back to school for the weekend to relive my college days from 6 weeks ago haha. It was fun, but weird to be back. I've settled into my life here at the apartment. I do what I want and don't have to worry about school work, and going to the bars in the city is way more fun than our one bar at school. We did have fun despite that, like hitching a ride with a random person up the hill (he didn't even go there) and punching a guys lights out and dancing on the bar. I miss my friends though and their craziness. They always have some kind of juicy gossip going around. There were many hook ups and locked lips this weekend. Including my own.

So my juice for the weekend....it didn't happen back at school but juice did happen. So I got back Sunday after a long weekend of drinking to my apartment and I was talking to the Irish online as usual. He mentioned that he wished I had decided to go over last night instead of Wednesday like we planned. So I told him that I could go over since I didn't really have any plans for the super bowl. I went. We made out. I stayed the night. We hooked up. It was fun, he's nice, a lot cuter in person. The same person that I have been talking to online and through texts, he didn't change in person. But I shouldn't have stayed. I should've gone home (the 40 minute drive in the cold dark, and his sweet pleads to stay won me over in the end). Now I feel like he's being weird. We used to text all day. Today they were few and far between...we were both tired though so that was probably it. Especially since we only got a couple hours sleep. I liked our whitty banter and conversation. I don't want that to end, especially since we've actually met now. I'm still supposed to go over Wednesday night as of right now. Not staying over though, we agreed on that. Hooking up though again? I don't know. Everytime I get with a guy I can't resist myself. I sound like a hook up aholic. I just might be, but it's always few and far between. I talk to the person for awhile then things just fizzle out. I want to find something solid. I really want this to work. I don't want things to get weird. I guess I just should not try to be so clingy or worry too much. We were just tired today. That's all right?


Also, to top things off. I was supposed to be in the air right now travelling to Italy to see the Brit. I haven't thought about him in a long time. I don't facebook stalk him as much. But when I realized the date, I couldn't help but shed a few tears. They've come down every so often today. I was in love with him and I don't think I'll ever forget it. At least not anytime soon.

First kiss...

So I was considering doing the January Carnival theme of First Kiss story. So I started to think about mine and realized that my story is neither funny nor cute and quite frankly...anti-climatic. It took me awhile to even REMEMBER what my first kiss WAS. How sad is that? The first romantic physical contact a young person has and mine is lost in the vaults of my mind, locked up in a nice neat little drawer with a stamp on it that says BORING. Here's what I remember:

I was on my second date with my boyfriend from high school (The Engaged Ex). We went to dinner or something, he was dropping me off in his little ancient grey honda. He leaned over and kissed me and I had the typical reaction of "What if I'm doing this wrong?" That's it. End of story. No fireworks or foot popping. No random hilariousness. Yep.

I have plenty of other stories about kissing and at least they're all entertaining. For example: Right before I left my home state after Christmas I went to a party and got fairly drunk. There was a guy there that I've always wanted to make out with him. I was on the floor of the party and they guy was standing over me. So I took advantage of it and demanded that he make out with me. My words exactly- "You, make out with me." And it happened. It was pretty sweet.

The Teacher I kinda did the same thing with. We knew were going to hook up later that night, but when I'm drunk I cannot resist making out. I'd rather just make out and do nothing else. So at the party I grabbed his hand and dragged him into the bathroom. It was steamy and my butt hurt the next day. Damn. I need some of that again. Maybe I should message him?

Me 101 (I couldn't actually come up with 101 facts)

Just Playing Pretend (would make that a link but I'm not technologically savvy enough) posted a list of a bunch of different facts about herself, which she copied from another blog (can't remember which one) and here I am...copying again. I thought it was pretty cool because a lot of the facts are things you wouldn't really know about the person unless you pretty much were the person...

1. I enjoy reading the same books over and over rather than new ones.
2. I wear dresses when it's negative degrees out
3. I often wonder what my life would've been like if I never started drinking or if I had stayed with my high school sweet heart.
4. I then realize my life would've been awfully boring and I'm content where I am today
5. I don't regret going skiing and tearing my acl because it opened up new doors for me
6. When I was little I thought that I really had magical powers like Bewitched
7. I never lost interest in magic and when I was in middle school bought a spell book
8. I wish my life could emulate Audrey Hepburn, but I drink and like sex too much
9. I have had sex with more people than I like to admit
10. I want to move to England more than anything in the world
11. I honestly don't think I could marry anyone that didn't have blue eyes
12. I don't like to tell people that I was a cheerleader or in a sorority because even though at the time it seemed like the cool popular thing to do...it's really not. But both are too big in my life to deny.
13. I think I was born in the wrong century/ country. I should've been born in 16th century England.
14. I look like I'm 16, which I know will be good for me in the long run, but getting carded 3 times in one night at the same bar is kinda ridiculous.
15. I like to unfriend people on facebook because I feel like there is no way that I can know over 700 people
16. I enjoy wearing headbands with bows or anything with bows
17. I'm embarassed of my large polka dot underwear collection
18. I'm convinced that I could've been a great poet if my poetry professor didn't tell me that I sucked.
19. I'm really an awkward person
20. I'm convinced that when I was younger I read too much and didn't speak enough which is why I have trouble talking today.
21. When I was little my parents and I would go fishing whenever it was nice out, I miss those happy days.
22. I'm going to the Philippines this summer and I'm honestly quite scared of going.
23. I'm afraid of being the one person in my group of friends that will be alone for the rest of my life.
24. I can't wait to get old and have an excuse to be crazy
25. I have little circle scars all over my body from scratching my chicken pox.
26. I regret graduating early from college, but know in the long run it was worth saving $10,000.
27. In 7th grade I thought it was a good idea to put blonde highlights in my black hair.
28. I probably could have done better in college if I actually applied myself
29. I have lost a couple friends in the past couple years, and I'm OKAY with it because I believe people come and go for a reason.
30. I keep a picture from my senior year homecoming with a girl a no longer talk to on my desk because I look good in it and she's gotten fat.
31. In college I changed my tastes to fit in with the people at my school
32. I hate cereal because I used to eat it all the time when I was younger
33. I'm afraid that my roommate doesn't think I'm cool because I dress like a j.crew catalog.
34. I love the j.crew catalog
35. I'm an attention whore.

THE ENEMY

So last night while on facebook, just stalking random people 2 very interesting things happened. First, there was this girl that ruined things with me and the Teacher about 2 months ago, she was a total bitch to me basically made hi get mad at me because she kept saying I was ridiculous (I was wasted...come on you can't judge a person then). Ever since then I haven't talked to the Teacher, which was fine because I was losing interest. Well, last night the Teacher decides to actually talk to me. Out of the blue. Maybe he's coming back around? Guess we'll see.

Well, I've also been talking to this other guy online like everyday. He's really nice and we have a lot in common and just talk. Usually online convos are awkward (at least for me) because there are those long pauses and you don't know if you should say something or wait until they say something because what if they're not even at their computer anymore. And also, talking online you don't get the tone they're talking in and they don't get yours. So they may crack a joke that you don't get because it's not delivered the way they think it was. With him, it just clicks and there are a lot of jokes. Let's hope that it's that way when and if we actually meet. Anyways, we've been talking and I decided to facebook stalk him and just recently he got a new friend. Let's call her "Sally Laura." Well my enemy that ruined things with the teacher just so happens to have changed her name to "Sally Laura," you know a lot of people are changing their names on facebook to the first name middle name thing so it might be a coincedence. Just to make sure, I click on it. And wouldn't you know...it's THE ENEMY!!!! What the hell?! Of all the people in the world for us to have in common it's HER. She's ALREADY ruined it for me with one guy. I really hope it doesn't happen AGAIN. He isn't even from where she's from, so how the hell. I'm afraid to friend him and then ask because it would seem too stalkerish. Though, that is what facebook is for.

This new guy, we'll call him Irish. So Irish and the Teacher, both have The Enemy blocking me. I wish I could have another run in with her AND DESTROY HER. Okay...I know a bit dramatic. But I really can't stand the bitch (sorry for the poor vocabulary, but there was lack of a better word).

Delay in posting due to exhaustion

This week I started my really exciting...nanny job! Woo hoo. It's been okay so far, I wish the mom would start work already so that I can do things my way and not have her looking over my shoulder every five seconds. But anyways, chasing 3 little boys around has left me pretty beat.

Moving on...update on my dating website. less than a week later I have about 800 hits on my profile. 200 "i like your profile" hints and 40 emails. I've blocked about 600, rejected 150 and responded to like 15 emails. A girls gotta be picky. I mean come on skeezy 40 year old men from some hick town? Pass. Dorky guy that I could break in half? Pass. Big guy that could break me? Double pass.

There are some winners though in my slim pickings. I actually went out on a blind date monday. It was fun, but he was a lot shyer than me and really hard to break the ice with. Apparently he had a good time though and wants to hang again. I have other ones that are interested though too, some that I've been talking a lot online to, two that I'm really looking forward to meeting. One of them has these amazing blue eyes that I'm such a sucker for! and we have a lot in common. The other we just have a lot in common and he's so easy to talk to. I can't wait to fill my schedule with even more dates! I'll be a lean mean casual dating machine. Which will be new and different for me because I'm more of a let's get drunk and meet random guys to make out with and maybe they'll ask me for my number or even remember my name the next day kind of girl. We're turning a new page here people!!! Get ready for helovesmenot to take on the world!!

spinthebottle, match.com, eharmony, truematch...whats your website of choice?

I have been joking around about joining one of these sites when I turn 25 if I'm still single for a really long time. There's something really intriguing about these websites, meet someone without having to leave your home! I know there are also the extremely sketchy sides to it, stalkers, just plain creepy guys and unsafe situations. On the bright side, you can always just be that weird person that only talks to them online and never leave the safety of your computer screen. But then why would you pay $35 to do something that you could do for free in a chatroom?

My roomie's bf said that guys only join these sites to get laid, but why would they go through filling out a profile? Why don't they just go to a bar and get drunk and hit on some girls there? It seems like that would be a lot easier than trying to convince some girl that honestly just wants to meet a guy to come out and meet you and have dinner or coffee and then convince to bang you. I know that it wouldn't work on my or any of my friends. I guess there has to be a bunch of trashy girls out there that it would work on though. There has to be nice guys on there if they are willing to put in that effort of paying and creating that detailed profile that isn't full of "long walks on the beach and puppies" blah blah. It just seems so time consuming just for one bang.

On that note, I'm not going to lie to you. I join a site. I'm not going to tell you which one because I'm slightly embarassed and I hope no one I know finds out. But I've already had 165 hits on my profile (i'm going to be honest, sometimes I'm pretty good looking- not all the time but I can take the occasional good picture). I ton of people have sent me the pre-talking sign and a handful of guys emailed me and 3 sent me instant messages. 2 are potentials, the other no is just too old I think and I still am kinda in my college mode I just wanna have fun and not take anything seriously. I did talk to this one guy today and he seemed pretty cool, goes to the same bars I go to and he already gave me his phone number. I know there's a reason why people sign up on these sites. But I mean, I did and I'm not a creeper at least I hope so? I just have a hard time meeting guys when I'm not out of my mind drunk and that only time I meet them is at the bar or being set up (that guy from last weekend is interested in me..bleck). I'm sick of those being the only ways. So this seems like a good alternative right? Right.

Get outta my house!

Okay, so I'm not some big time working girl. I don't have a glamorous high paying job, or even a high paying job at that. I take care of your kids while you're at work, do some minimal cleaning and take advantage of your 2000 stations. Yeah, I'm your nanny. However, I haven't actually started yet. So for now I was just babysitting the twins that I've been watching for the past year and a half while I was in college, it's only for half a day though.

Well, today I come home after a particularly not so good day. I woke up with a headache (might have something to do with that red wine I guzzled down last night) and the boys seemed to be insanely loud today. I walk in the door to my apartment ready for some nice quiet helovesmenot time only to find roomie's bf chillin on my couch shirtless. Why didn't he go home? Why is he ALWAYS here? Okay, I know I said I do like him. BUT REALLY?! I just wanted to colapse on my couch and watch some bad daytime tv. But no i had to watch golf and talk to him and I just really wasn't in the freaking mood for it. OH AND HE ATE MY LEFTOVERS THAT I WAS GOING TO EAT FOR LUNCH. He actually eats a lot of our food. Is it wrong of me to demand that he start paying for some of it? I'm currently going on a grocery shopping strike because I have bought most of the food and he eats it. I don't care if I go hungry. I should've kept my mini fridge to hide my food in. But then that would be really weird if I started hording all my food in my bedroom.

Sorry for this ridiculous rant, but I'm just really grumpy and want to just go out and get drunk with my friends, but none of them are back from winter break yet.

Thanks for pointing out my patheticness

I decided the other day that I needed to do something with my life that made me feel good about myself (other than my usual retail therapy...my credit card is hurting at the moment :/ ). I was huge on volunteering in college and high school, so I decided to continue with that and signed up for big brothers, big sisters. I'm really excited about it because it will give me a chance to NOT be a third wheel once a week.

This morning I went to my interview (you know find out if I'm a creeper or anything) and one of the questions was what my relationship status is (single), is there potential for a relationship in the near future (nope), have a had a relationship in the past 6 months (I can't really count The Brit because we never officially dated). Dude, let me tell you throughout this painful part of the questioning I tried to keep a nice happy smile on my face. But the girl interviewing me kept giving me this very sad "I am so sorry" kind of look and I really just wanted to punch her in the face. Just because I'm single and have been for quiet sometime does not mean I need your sympathy. Being single is NOT the end of the world people.

Okay, yes I DO want a boyfriend because I'm a sucker for having a nice broad shoulder to lean on and having someone to call me beautiful and someone to make me feel like the center of the world and have stupid fights with and I'm not going to lie I love sex (and I'm in a serious drought right now grrrrr). But sometimes I'm like shit, I like being single. I don't have a guy to worry about where he is, if he's cheating on me. I have endless amounts of alone time. I don't have anyone to compete with about intelligence. I know I whine and complain about being single, but sometimes it's nice to be alone. I watch my roomie and her bf and how she gets frustrated when he is relentless in a debate and how sometimes she just wants to chill without him but he comes over EVERYNIGHT and I'm glad I don't have to deal with that. BUT FOR GODSAKES PEOPLE THERE IS NO NEED TO FEEL SORRY FOR THE SINGLE GIRL. Having a BF is NOT everything. Which is why I'm there to volunteer. I'm sure the girl was thinking too, "Oh this poor girl has no man in her life which is why she is volunteer because she has nothing better to do." I'm just trying to MAKE A DIFFERENCE not fill up my pathetic single girl life because I have no boyfriend. I know I sound pretty pathetic from my repsonses to my questions because I have had no relationships lately and maybe I have been lonely. But I get by.

SO people, next time you meet a single girl please please please don't give her a sympathetic look or pat her on the shoulder and tell her that it's okay because the right man will come around. Shove a drink in her face and tell her to drink up, hit the dance floor and have some fun! I wish my friends would do that to me, mostly just because I like free drinks.

Send him on the next bus

Problem #1: Last night after going through my love life and rereading me gushing over the Brit, I realized how pathetic I've been for the past 3 months pining over him. I need to officially work on getting over him. No more facebook stalking him first thing when I get up in the morning or hoping that he'll call me or listening to songs that remind me of him. So I decided to delete all my "Brit" play lists and minimize the amount I facebook stalk. I can't just cut it cold turkey because I'm not going to lie, yesterday I broke down and sent him a facebook message telling him that I miss him. So obviously this morning I woke up, checked my email to see if he sent anything back, and nothing. Then I checked to see if he even signed on today. No. I doubt I will hear anything back and I really just need to get over it. I ruined stuff with the Teacher because I couldn't let go of the Brit and I've been miserable thinking about him all the time. I wasn't even trying to get over him. Now I will et over him. Good bye Brit, get on the next bus.

Problem #2 my roommates BF is trying to set me up with one of his friends, like I said before he's nice and funny. But I'm just not attracted to him at all. The other night when we got back to my apartment I basically told him to hop on the next bus by telling him I was going to bed and closing the door in his face. Roommate's BF is relentless though and wants the four of us to go to karaoke tonight. I really really don't want it to just be the four of us. It would be better if there was a bigger group. I guess I'm going to have to explain to him that he is far far far in the friend zone. If not I'm going to really tell that he needs to hop on the next bus, the end. This being set up thing has not been successful so far. Hopefully, roomie's BF either finds me a cuter friend and gives up on the short friend. Or I need to just find my own guy.

and the list goes on.

So I was going to wait until tomorrow to continue this list of past guys. But I decided I was having too much fun to stop now. Where was I? Oh yeah, the Biggest Mistake. Well after him things got complicated. I was hurt by him because he trampled over my emotions for over 9 months and I was finally free of him. So I made my rounds with various guys that don't deserve more than just a few words.

Name: The Concert Lawn
Story: Made out on the lawn of a FOB concert. Then met up a couple other times to hook up. He was a past high school crush and I was thrilled that he finally liked me. He moved to the city though and we haven't spoken since.


Name: The Metro
Story: We hooked up one drunken night while my friend was passed out in the other room, he wanted my number but I "forgot" to give it to him. We hung out a few other times but that's all.

Name: The Player
Story: The Metro's friend. He had a girlfriend but at this point in my life I was so mentally messed up by Biggest Mistake that I didn't care. He left right after we hooked up and I never saw him again.

Then there were bigger ones that summer...

Name: The Old Man
Time dated: We weren't officially a couple but we dated for about 2 months. I know it shouldn't count but it was high emotion.
Our story: I was working at an insurance company and would talk on the phone during my lunch break to my friend in the conservatory of the building. There were always a ton of people there, a lot of bike couriers taking a break from the hot city. I started to notice this one guy looking at me whenever I was down there so I would smile at him and finally one day he asked me out to lunch. It was a good time and we started having lunches together...when out found out that he was 10 years my senior!!! Okay, I should've stopped there. But he was so nice that I didn't want to give up because he wasn't letting the age thing stop him. We had fun we climbed a mountain, we went to the beach, he made me dinner, we drank and had good sex. But then the summer started to wind down and I asked him where we were going. I was leaving in 4 weeks for my junior year of college. He said that he couldn't do long distance because he needed someone physically there for him. Then it ended.
Where we are now: Story to be continued....

Name: The Alcoholic
Our story: After the Old man I was heart broken for the second time that summer. I cried for a week at my second job. The Alcoholic who was seeing my friend earlier, but that had ended badly for him just about the same time. Then one night two sadly lonely people got together got wasted and hooked up and continued to hook up/date until the end of summer. We tried to make it work while I was at school, but he didn't understand that even though I only had classes for 3 hours a day my day didn't end there, I had my babysitting job and homework and hanging out with friends and meetings-he didn't go to college and just got mad when I didn't have time to talk. The relatioship was too new to really last through long distance and I found a great interest in the male swimmers body.

So that was my real official relationship. I've been single ever since then. But guys have come and gone.

Name: The Roommate
Our story: That winter break I started hanging out at my friend BBF's apartment a lot because there were no parents around to stop us from underage drinking. Well, BFF had 2 male roommates, one taken one single. and the single took an interest in me. We hit it off and started talking and hanging out without BFF around. It seemed good, but she told him about my past so he became too scared to take it any farther. I went back to school and we still talked. I wanted to make it more, but he didn't so we fought and it ended. To be continued...

Name: The Old Man part 2
and it continued...: I went home for spring break junior year and went into the city one day to have lunch with my mom and I saw The Old Man's friends and the place where we worked and got all nostalgic. I texted him but he didn't respond until it was too late to actually see him. But we hit it off again over the phone and started talking almost every night. I thought maybe someone was coming back into my life for good. I was wrong. As the time got closer to me going back home for the summer, he started calling less. Until finally when I got home he didn't respond at all to my calls, texts and emails. Finally, our story ended and not happily ever after.

Name: The Roommate part 2
and it continued...: Clearly at this point I really just wanted to find someone to date. One drunken night I blacked out and made out with the Roommate again. He still liked me and I thought maybe since I made out with him that I had some repressed feelings for him. We went out on 3 dates and there was nothing. I was about to leave for England to study there for awhile and told him that if we still felt the same when I got back maybe it would be something, I knew there wouldn't be anything. So I left him with his hopes up. Oops.
Where we are now: I still run into him a lot because BFF is dating one of his friends. But not as much because BFF moved out. It's pretty awkward when we do meet up though and he always proceeds to get wasted. I feel really bad because he obviously isn't over it.

Name: British guy of my dreams aka The Brit
Our story: So I left the Roommate back on the other side of the ocean and ventured into the land of sexy accents. Where I met The Brit, we was our bartendar where we would go every wednesday for karaoke and I would proceed to get really drunk and sing bad 90's tunes at the top of my lungs. Well he still thought I was cute, despite having no singing voice and he had a gf. That relationship was going south though, and after resisting my advances he finally gave in. We went out basically on a 20 hour date, lunch break for class, dinner and drinks. All ending with us seriously just cuddling. It was amazing. I fell for him and hard. He was torn because he didn't want to break up with his gf over the phone. Finally, he did break up with her and we finally kissed and hooked up. And it was the most amazing night of my life. Unfortunately it was at the end of my stay and I left wanting more. However, we kept in touch over the summer and I fell in love with him. We made plans for me to visit him in Italy and we talked everyday. But then he called me one night and told me he made out with another girl. We weren't really dating, but he felt really bad and things went downhill. We stopped talking everyday. I considered cancelling my trip. Finally, there were 2 weeks without a word from him and I was going crazy. He finally sent me a message on my birthday. Then nothing for another two weeks. I was heart broken. Coming home from the bar one night I wrote him an epic email telling him just how broken I was. Nothing from him for a week. Then he tried to call but I was looking for a job and had an interview so I couldn't talk. That was it from him. I have sent him messages asking him to please still talk to me. But I haven't heard from him for two months.

Name: The Teacher
Our story: Another older man entered my life during the crazy time of The Brit. He graduated from my school several years before me and was back for an alumni weekend. We met the first night and I knew he wanted to hook up, but I was still torn up about The Brit, so after hanging out for awhile I ran away. Of course the next day, while sober I ran into him again when hanging out in a friends apartment. He was funny and a lot better looking than I remembered. So I decided to let him know I was interested. After I left I texted my friends BF who is friends with him and he of course passed on the word. That night when pregaming he came to my friends room with her BF to hang out. We were inseperable the whole night, literally. In the morning he asked for my number and left. I thought I would never hear from him again. But a week later an unknown number popped up and it was him. We talked until 3 in the morning and almost everyday after that. He even got upset when I hadn't talked to him in a couple days. But he was a Teacher and never had time to actually come see me again. We did go out on a date when I was in his part of town. But then nothing. Ran into each other at a party but there was a girl that likes him and sabotaged any chance I had with him. We don't talk anymore.


Where am I now?: Sadly, I am still hung up on the Brit. I never had real feelings for The Teacher even though I thought I did. I made out with a couple guys in the meantime but none of them meant anything and I met a really nice guy the other night. But I just wasn't interested (he was really really short!) I think about The Brit everyday and wish I had given him a chance to explain himself. I thought this was supposed to get easier, but it hasn't especially as the time gets closer to when I was supposed to go visit him. This morning I sent him another message telling him this in hopes of hearing someting back. But I doubt I will. I know it would have never worked because we're just too far away. But I really feel like he was the first guy I ever really loved because we had so much in common. I miss him more than anything in the world. I know this sounds sappy coming from the girl who went through so many guys in such a small period of time. But I never got hung up on any of them like I have with The Brit. I know that nothing will ever be the same. So I will continue my search for his American Doppleganger.

You can pick a field full of daisies

Last night as I sat in the living room with my roommate and her boyfriend (the third wheel as usual), I realized how ridiculous my love life the past couple years have been. The best part is, it continues to get more hilarious and ridiculous as the years go on. It's really funny at the time everything is happening. But looking back on it now, I can't really help but laugh at myself, mostly because my life is a joke. So here's my anonymous blog of a girl just looking for love and mostly in all the wrong places (ie. dark corners of bars and crowded dorm room parties).

Here's some short profiles of the guys I have had come in and out of my life.

Name: Engaged Ex
Time dated: 3 years
Our story: He dated my now best friend from home. I wasn't really friends with her until college so it was fine that we dated. However, the relationship had run its course, at least for me it had, it was another story for him. The short version- I left for college started drinking and making up a new life and he was still hanging on. I broke up with him and disaster ensued. He would leave 10 minute messages on my phone, 5 page long emails blah blah blah.
Where we are now: His dad passed away about 2 years ago and that was the last time we talked. I haven't physically seen him since the day I left for college 3.5 years ago. He's now engaged to some girl that is like 5 years older than me, which I'm fine with because 1. he got fat and 2. that would have been me and I'm no where near ready to get married. (I secretly want to crash the wedding).

Name: The Shy Ginger
Time dated: 7 months
Our story: And here starts the crash course dating I experienced in college. We had a lot of mutual friends, but I was out going and he was very very quiet. I had my fair share of hook ups (who doesn't want to make out with a drunk freshman girl?) but I met this quiet guy and decided that to settle down for the rest of my freshman year. We were an odd couple needless to say and kind of boring.
Where we are now: We broke up over the summer because I started seeing this guy that I had a crush on in high school. We're not really friends but we still say hi to each other. I moved to another group of friends which is why we don't hang out, if I didn't, I bet we'd still be pretty close.

Name: The Drug Dealer
Time dated: not long enough to matter
Our story: He was my dance teachers son, and had to take tap class because he didn't to a sport. We would sit together and talk during ballet (I took ballet on a different night), but we never dated because we never had the guts to tell each other how we felt and then I started to date the Engaged Ex. When I came back from college for that first summer, I saw him at the recital and we clicked again. We went out on a few dates, I broke up with the Shy Ginger. But then he stopped calling. Mostly because he got arrested for dealing at the beach. I would call him drunkenly sometimes but nothing ever really came out of that.

Name: Biggest Mistake
Time dated: 9 months
Our story: Sophomore year, I blacked out at a party so my friends carried me up to their room and deposited me on their futon and I still demanded shots of vodka (they gave me water and I knew it was water and yelled at them). The Biggest Mistake was there that night because he was friends with them and laughed at me because I was crazy. I passed out and him and his roommate were like is she dead? I sat up said no and passed right back out. We became facebook friends and started talking. We hung out, but I was too afraid to commit to a relationship and he was getting mad. Finally, I gave in and we started officially dating. Things went well for awhile, but then the honeymoon ended and he was an asshole to me. Started telling me I was too demanding and that I was manipulating. We left for winter break on bad terms, but stayed together because I had plane tickets to go see him (I also cheated on him twice with the same guy over break). I did go see him and everything went back to normal, except I tore my ACL, which would change my life for good (I was a dancer- and would never go back to it). After my accident I was always upset and he was not comforting at all and after my surgery he said that I was too depressing to be around and would leave me in my room alone while he went out and got drunk. He later even told me that he didn't love me anymore. Why did I still stay with a guy that wouldn't even visit me after my surgery you ask? I don't have the answer to that. But we stayed together until summer, when I finally decided to slowly end the relationship. I stopped calling him as much and finally it ended.
Where we are now: He acts as if I don't exist, therefore I do that same. We can pass each other on campus and act like those 9 months of our lives never even happened. (He wasn't even that good of a bang).