I honestly don't know what is wrong with me. I have this inherent nature to destroy just about everything good that comes my way. I freak out. I stress. I make up wild stories in my head. Right now, I'm ruining things with the bf. I have been from the beginning. But I know I'm getting the the point where he's just going to throw up his hands and tell me he's sick of it. I'm afraid of it happening to me, so I keep trying to beat him to the punch line. Which inevitably is just hurting us.
We bought a big screen tv together. We bought a puppy. We plan on moving in together when my lease is up. Only problem is, I don't think he wants to anymore. I think he just wants to move away from me. I think he's just waiting for after we go on vacation together and his lease expires to peace out. I can feel my heart just sinking with the thought of it all. My feelings haven't changed in all this time for him. If anything they've just become more confirmed that this is for real and not just a game.
But then why do I keep reverting back to my old games? Breaking up when I get upset. Becoming jealous when he wants to hang out with someome else.
I know I don't ever really want to end it. Well, okay. There's a part of me in the back of my mind that sometimes remembers what my life was like before. You know, all those black out nights and randomness. I had fun. I was out of control. But it wasn't as fun as being with him is. I like staying in at night with him and just watching tv and playing video games. I like having someone to go swimming with and chase around in my bath tub sized pool. I like walking with him and the puppy, urging the puppy to poop. All this makes my threats of not wanting to be with him anymore empty because I know in the end I would be more lost without him than I was before him.
It's so ironic that when I started this blog, I had such high hopes for life when I had a bf. Like it would solve all my problems and instantly everything would get better. Sure life is a lot nicer when you have someone to come home to. But it hasn't solved everything. I still struggle with my old demons. I don't regret getting into this relationship at all. I want to make it last. I want to all work out, even with it's imperfections. But really, I need to work on myself. I need to stop being so fucking insecure and stop thinking that he's cheating on me. It's just making me look like I'm the one cheating (I couldn't do that to him). I need to stop freaking out and just talk to him when I'm upset and stop blowing everything out of proportion. It's just that no matter how hard I try SOMETHING sets my craziness off and I can't control it. It's like this crazy Helovesmenot monster that sets loose. I just hope that he realizes that no matter what, I want to be with him and I'm trying really hard to give him what he deserves, it's just taking sometime.
