Time Turned Fragile

Remember awhile back when I was freaking out about the future? Well I officially signed up to go back to school this summer. I just got accepted to this program for people that want to go into teaching and already have their bachelor's degree, so it's a mix of graduate classes and undergraduate classes. I should be done in about 1 year. I'm finally doing something to really start the rest of my life. I should feel good about this right?

Wrong.

What if I don't even want to teach? I guess I'll figure it out, but I've had bad experiences through field experience before and it kind of turned me off the teaching. But it was all at one school and I hadn't taken any real education classes in order to prepare me for what I had to do. But what if this isn't for me? This program is too expensive to decide mid-way through that I don't want to do it.

I also can't keep my au pair job for as long as I would like because I have to do student teaching and there's just no way they will let me take off for 13 days one semester and then 60 days another semester. Plus, with class schedules I'll have to have a more flexible schedule. So that will be another added stress to it all- finding another job. But at least I'll be on my way to a real job with benefits and everything. That I can't wait for. I know people say don't try to grow up too fast. But what happens when you're already an adult but no living like one? Well, life gets awful difficult, because I'm there right now. If I had a real job I wouldn't be so strapped right now for everything I would like to do.

Sometimes I wish I could jsut fast forward life so that I can get to the point I want to be at. I'm not asking for anything big or glamorous. I just want to have a decent job that I enjoy. I want to be settled down. Not at the point where I want a family, but with someone that is more permenant than not. I want to get a new dog, mine was just put to sleep and I miss having that companionship, even though I'm in another state, it was nice knowing that when I went home there would always be someone the greet me at the door. I'm sad about him dying, but I know he lived a long life...19 years. He moved on, now I want to. I want to be able to not have to worry about getting sick because I'll have health insurance. I want to have a real home to call my own and throw dinner parties and brunches. I want to be proud of where I live and have everything be MINE not someone elses nice stuff (the roommate). As fast as the past 4 months have been, I wish I could just get to the point in my life so that I can actually experience something.

I realized today how being out of school since December has really changed me. I'm over the college thing. Yes, I miss my school very much. But I'm perfectly content doing the things I do now. I'm also saving a lot of money that I would've been spending on alcohol. Today I went to the zoo with the bf (totally for free!) and saw the baby elephant that was just born. Tonight we stayed in, and I'm okay with not going out and getting crazy drunk. It's no fun being hung over all day anyways. I thought the friends I made in college would also be forever, but lately I've been realizing that they may not. They don't understand that I pine away for school like they eventually will. I don't really get too attached to places like that. It's hard because we're constantly on the move and you can't cling on to every place that you love. I was ready to leave after studying aboard in England. Today one person tried to rub in my face that I was missing a really famous alum going to visit the school and while a little part of me was jealous. I realized that I wouldn't have wanted to spend my day any differently.

In short. I'm ready for life. Come out, come out wherever you are.