He loves me...far too much

So last week I had a date with really hot guy. I basically wanted to rip his clothes off, throw our food off the table and start going at it right there. He pretty much was the sexiest man I've ever laid eyes on. We had a good time, we laughed and ate too much. However, after seeing the movie "He's just not that into you" I can safely come to the conclusion he did not like me quite as much. He said "It was nice meeting you, we should do this again sometime" at the end of the date and hasn't really talked to me since. Just like Shy guy. I strike out with all the guys I find really really attractive. WHY is that?!

Last night, the guy that likes me more than I like him came over. We made dinner, watched a movie and hooked up. While he very good at hooking up, he 1. makes funny faces when hooking up and 2. I AM STILL NOT PHYSICALLY attracted to him. WHICH SUCKS. He's SO nice and funny, it's becoming hard not to like him. But I don't know if I can get over the physical attraction thing. Is that completely shallow of me? Also, last night we consumed a bunch of alcohol and he convinced me that we should be exclusive, but not officially dating (which is basically dating without the label). And I'm totally regretting that decision 100%. I'm SO NOT ready for this. It's WAY WAY WAY too fast and I honestly don't know how to handle it without feeling totally guilty.

On another note, Irish wanted to come over tonight and in light of last nights exclusivity, I made up an excuse that I was going to visit my friends at school. He readily accepted the excuse. I thought he was over me anyways, so I was just really confused. We don't talk as much as we used to and I haven't been over there in almost 3 weeks. All signs pointed to OVER.

Why do guys have to so readily mess with my head? Honestly, my brain is swimming and I'm ready to cancel my website and go into hiding for the rest of my life. You guys can catch me in about 30 years, I'll be the old lady at the bar sipping extra dirty martinis with 4 olives hitting on the young college guys trying to relive the old simple days of random hook ups and sloppy make outs. Or the nun thing is also sounding pretty good also.

Keep on not loving me

So I never heard from Shy Guy this week. Terribly disappointing because he was so adorable. I hung out a couple times though with another guy. He's not that cute, I hate to sound so superficial but I'm really not physically attracted to him. He's really nice and all, but that's it and he keeps saying that he really likes me and that this could go somewhere. It's really actually starting to freak me out. I don't know if it's because I feel like he's moving too fast, that my standards are just too high or if possibly...I don't want to be in a relationship at all.

Yes, that's right.

I don't want to be in a relationship. I honestly think that this is it. I enjoy my independence. Being able to do what I want when I want without having to tell some guy what I'm doing and having him worry. I need someone that does not care about me drinking a lot, which is so so hard to find, I think college best friend found the only guy like that. I also like being able to flirt with whomever I want and not have to worry about anyone getting jealous. I also don't flirt intentionally and that gets the guy I'm dating mad because I keep doing what I do best, just being me.

Or maybe I've been single too long. No no. That can't be it.

Or maybe I'm just really picky and this guy IS scaring me away. He wants to hang out way too much. I need to let him back off a bit. We might even have to call him the Leech. Yes, perfect name. I feel like I would enjoy being in a relationship with someone. Just not him. I need to find the perfect guy. Good thing I have a date next week with another guy...

Clarity and Confusion.

I have made some very important life decisions today:

1. I WILL go back to school for a teaching degree. I haven't decided what grades. But I decided I can't let one bad experience at a terrible high school ruin it for me. If I decide later on that I really don't want to teach well, at least I know it is for real and not because of one student.

2. I have to ride an elephant one day. I brought the boys (I'm an au pair remember?) to the zoo today and we watched the elephants for a good half hour. They are really amazing creatures, probably the most amazing to grace this planet. And for such a big animal they pretty much seem mild tempered. Don't get me wrong though, monkeys will always be my favorite animal. But it was too cold out for them today, so to make up for it I bought a monkey mask. Yes, I am 5 years old at heart.

3. I want to write a novel. I was looking back on this blog and realized that some of this with some editing could be a pretty witty chick lit novel. I need to brush up on the writing and my embellish somethings. But then who doesn't? I don't want it to be totally 100% my life anyways. What do my fellow readers think? It probably won't happen for a REALLY long time though because I don't really have the motivation to do so, I'm a pretty lazy person when it comes down to it. But one day...I want to accomplish this.

4. I like Shy Guy. After out date last night it was decided. But like all guys, I am confused by him. HE asked ME to a nice restaurant, so I assume that he does like me also because he wanted to see me again and spent a lot of money on dinner. He also didn't pick me up though. But he did pull out my chair for me. But then he only gave me a hug at the end. He did pay for it, no questions asked. But he didn't walk me to my car or tell me he would call me or anything. GUYS CONFUSE ME. I HATE THIS GAME. I wish everyone could just be like "I like you" or "I don't like you." And everything would be settled. I would totally do that if it didn't freak people out. Maybe I should try it one day though.

5. On that note, I've decided that with the guys I've been meeting I need to be 100% myself and not try to put on some show to get a guy. I will be me, I won't try to be some sweet delicate flower. Or you know how some women act differently around the guys they like? Well, I'm guilty of that and I'm ending it RIGHT NOW. If I've had a bad day I will be bitchy. If I want to get black out I will. I will be weird and crazy and if they can't handle it, then they can hop on the next bus!

I don't know HOW to date.

College was so much easier to find a boyfriend. Period. End of story. You had parties, mutual friends, classes, clubs, sports, greek life. So many ways to meet so many people. Now, I randomly meet people at bars and instantly forget them. For example, really cute guy Friday night. We talked. I gave him my number. I will never hear from him again. Another random guy asked me out to dinner on Valentines day. I think he called later that night. And there are so many bars in this damn city that I will never see someone more than once.

So my remedy to this: remember when I broke and decided to join one of those stupid dating websites? Well, I've gone out to coffee with a few and talked to a bunch, hooked up with one (Irish is from there). Most have been flops and I feel bad because a couple of them keep badgering me to meet up for drinks or whatever. I keep kindly declining because I don't know what I would tell my roomie. She's already pretty suspicious of the dates I do go on because I keep saying I met them at a store or whatever.

Anyways, other than Irish there was one guy who I was particularly interested in, lets call him Shy Guy, because he really kind of is. It took him a bit to warm up to me, I had to crack a few jokes (not very good ones) and poke fun at him before he realy got comfortable. But I like that in a guy, I find it a lot more attractive than the overly forward. He's also TALL (I lust after tall guys and I'm only 5'2"!), has a good job, is smart, likes the same music (Blink is getting back together...I forsee a good date in that one...). He's kinda the total opposite of Irish, who is very forward. I don't know. I've got two opposite ends of the spectrum so I guess I'll just have to see. So tonight we're going out to dinner to this nice seafood reataurant place. And I'm nervous. I've never been out on a proper date other than all that coffee. I guess it's not toally proper because he's not picking me up, we're meeting there. But still, it's not going out for drinks with a lot of people around. It's just that this is my first real date ever and I'm 21 years old. I don't know what to wear. I don't know what to expect. We've already met once so we're past that first date stage. UGHHHH. I'm going to literally vom. My roomie thinks it would be hilarious if I brought along with me these "Date cards" that have conversation questions on them. It's just the kind of ridiculous thing that I would do, so I will. I don't know if I'll have the guts to actually whip them out. Maybe if the conversation is dying...haha. Why couldn't I have been one of those lucky girls that find their perfect match in college? I mean 60% of the people from my school end up marrying someone else from my school. No such luck for me. I'm actually getting sick of looking. I'm sick of the blind dates. I just want something to finally work out. Or maybe become a nun...do you still have to be a virgin for that?

Singledom and Vday.

This is why I hate this holiday:
1. If you're single you are either depressed because you have no one. Or you're voming because all the love in the air is making you physically hurl.
I am the latter. Today I went shopping and there were so many freakin' couples holding hands and being all lovey dovey. I just wanted to ring someones neck. Fuck, I couldn't even get a pair of underwear without being assault by a couple practically doing it on the display tables. Okay, okay I get it. You love each other. But seriously, I know it's a cliche, but get a room!
2. If you're taken there is this pressure to make the day perfect, and if it's not your significant other will be disappointed.
Example: My roomie's boyfriend has to work tonight sothey tried to do their vday on Tuesday. They were supposed to go out to dinner where he works and blah blah blah. Well dinner plans fell through and instead of rescheduling he had this great idea to cook dinner together (okay, kinda romantic. But cooking with him is NO fun, I mean I couldn't even fry an egg this morning without him looking over my shoulder!!!) He got her flowers, she got him a LOT more than that. His flowers would've been fine if a. they had gone out to dinner or b. he picked something a bit more romantic to do. All of this left her slightly disappointed, and him hostile towards her. Telling her that she is ungrateful and he went out of his way to get flowers (it's not that hard to pick up a 5 dollar bouquet from the grocery store). Then today they were going to get brunch and he wanted to invite her parents! He couldn't even have one meal with her without inviting someone??? SO yeah, she was sad. But then to add in the mix, he complained to ME about her not being appreciative of him and how she should be satisfyed with the flowers. Okay, don't get my wrong here, the flowers were nice and she does appreciate them. But it's the WAY he went about things, making it seem like it was her fault. Well, I mentioned something to her about it and now it looks as if a fight/break up might ensue. She's currently in the other room crying and I don't know what to do. Because honestly, she deserves better. This guy is wayyyy to immature for her. Shoot I'm younger than him and he's way too immature for me.

3. I have a hard time avoiding wearing pink because all I wear is pink or black. Tonight I'm going with black.
To remedy this, I went out and bought 2 more black dresses. As if I needed anymore.

After this whole thing with the my roomie, I'm actually kind of glad I'm single. I got vday cards from my friends and my parents. A bottle of wine from the people I work for. I'm good. I'm happy. And tonight when we go out, all the guys will be single also because all the taken ones will be with their woman cuddling up on the couch with some cheesy movie (unless you're like me, you would drag your man out to a bar and have some real fun!!). So I won't be hitting on your man ladies. Psh, who needs chocolate and flowers anyways? The chocolate makes you fat and the flowers eventually die.

We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful what we pretend to be.- Kurt Vonnegut

Back in the days of high school I read this book called Sloppy Firsts by Megan McCafferty. Amazing book. Then she wrote sequels to it, Second Helpings, Charmed Thirds and Fourth Comings. All good good good. So I was rereading the first 3 and borrowed the new fourth one from the library and finished it today. During this, I realized I was reading my life. The books are about Jessica Darling and are basically her journals throughout high school and college. She goes through the typical teen angst, but in a witty manner and through a crazy relationship with a boy called Marcus Flutie and they are on again, off again. She goes to Columbia, majors in Psychology and ends up not knowing what she's doing for the rest of her life and in serious debt.

So maybe I don't have a boyfriend that's lasted through high school, but I certainly lived the teen angst, and the weird awkward college years and I have DEFINETELY landed in the same place Jessica Darling did. In debt, no direction and finally...oops don't want to spoil the ending. I do suggest reading them, good light reads. Oh yeah and did I mention that both of us graduated a semester early to save money, but are still in huge debt?

But anyway, having this realization today while working as a nanny, I freaked out a little. I have absolutely NO idea what I want to do for the rest of my life. I don't really have any talents, unless you count reading a whole book in one day. I have inspiration or connections or guidance. And then I started to really panic. WHAT IF I END UP BEING A NOTHING FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE?! I have a HUGE college debt that I'm sure my children will end up paying for me because God knows I never will get around to it. I can't even get a jump start on anything because I have no direction. Everything in my life is temporary. My job, my living situation, my friends. I wish someone would just push me into something so I would know. I feel like everyone knows what they want and I'm just hopelessly lost lost lost.

Maybe that's why I'm so desperately looking for a guy because then I would be able to move in one direction with SOMETHING in my life. Right now I have too much freedom and it's too overwhelming. I can do whatever I want. I can move anywhere, do anything. I have nothing holding me back (well, almost nothing...stupid loans). But then again, thinking about Kurt Vonnegut's quote, I am only pretending to be free because really, I've trapped myself. I am not free because I'm too scared to make any life decisions. After making some really stupid ones recently, I realized I need to be more careful. I know I have plenty of time to make big decisions, but I'm so nervous about it all. I just don't know what to do and I feel paralyzed by my fear of not knowing where to go, not knowing if I even have a passion. It makes me feel really worthless right now, like my life is not fulfilling and my oppotunities are wasted on someone that doesn't deserve it. There are people younger than me doing great things and I sit on a couch and read my life away. Not even on intellectual books, at least those would be slightly more impressive.

the joke continues

So after I wrote my post yesterday, I discovered more about my night. In my frenzy to get a cab and desperately make out with The Teacher (who has an amazing ass btw, I forgot to mention that. Okay, he has a good bod all over, but the ass is particularly spectacular.) I ran out of the bar through an emergency exit only gate straight into a cop. He yelled at me. Then I proceeded to walk over to the cop car and tried to get in because I thought it was a cab.

I should lay off the long islands from now on...stick with vod cranberry or something else that is not as strong as my typical long island.

The Joke that is my LIFE

Remember when I said that I had a feeling the Teacher might pop back into my life? Well...he has. Quick recap about the Teacher: He graduated from my college in 2003 and was back for alumni weekend. I met him on the Friday night, hung out, ran away. Saw him the next day with my friends bf. Texted friends bf and told him I wanted to hook up with The Teacher. That night while pregaming the Teacher came over and we hung out for the rest of the night and I brought him back with me. After that we talked on facebook, texted and even went out on one "date." But nothing else. Then we slowly stopped talking.

Well, Thursday night after a couple of bottles of wine I sent him a facebook message. Nothing crazy or anything. Just a simple, "hey how've you been?" Well that sparked conversation and he asked if I was going out last night because he wanted to meet up. Obviously I was going out, and we did meet up. Roomie and I got to the bar and didn't look for them right away. We got drinks and started dancing. I finally spotted him from across the bar and we made eye contact and of course standing next to him was THE ENEMY. Good thing Roomie was there to help me out, she's wonderful, talked me up and got THE ENEMY away from him. I didn't even tell Roomie that she likes The Teacher, it was just so blantly obvious because she stared him up and down and never once left his side. I thought I didn't have a chance. So I got very drunk, wanted to make out. He turned me down because we were at a bar and that wasn't classy. (You all know I loveeee making out. So I didn't even consider that.) Then he had to leave because THE ENEMY wanted to go and she drove him and he couldn't just ditch her. Fine, whatever. But he continued to text me. At about 2 am, I hopped in a cab and paid 20 bucks to get to his house. And OH did we make out. I like hooking up, but I don't like to write about it. But just know it was hot and I'm SO glad that I sent my drunk facebook message. It's been 4 months since the last time we hooked up, I hope he doesn't make me wait that long again because he is definetely a good hook. Oh and a side note, we talked about THE ENEMY because she kept texting him and I mentioned how she HATES me. He said she doesn't hate me, she just has a thing for him. Which I already knew of course. Everyone knows. But GOOD NEWS he's NOT interested in her. I know, I know this should be very very apparent because I was the one that ended up in his bed that night and she went home. But it was nice to have a verbal confirmation.

On the other hand, The Teacher confuses the crap out of me. He's cryptic. He's random and I don't know what he wants. He told me he wants to do it again. Which I responded "Fine by me." And after 4 months he still wanted to hook up. It also helps now that I live in the City now and go to the bars here and not in college and just stay there on the weekends. And now he has his own house, not living with his PARENTS. But still, in the past it wasn't just a hook up, we talked blah blah blah. I don't know why it stopped. I don't understand. See? Confusing. I guess I migt just have to wait and see. I'll add him to my list of current suitors.

Random meme

I try to keep meme's to a minimum when I start a blog, and I avoid them all together on facebook. But I'm bored waiting for the roomie to come home and drink with me.


1. Started your own blog -- this one is kinda stupid since THAT'S WHERE I'M POSTING THIS

2. Slept under the stars

3. Played in a band --- YES I was a band geek.

4. Visited Hawaii

5. Watched a meteor shower

6. Given more than you can afford to charity

7. Been to Disneyworld

8. Climbed a mountain

9. Held a praying mantis

10. Sang a solo - does karaoke count? didn't think so.

11. Bungee jumped

12. Visited Paris

13. Watched a lightning storm at sea

14. Taught yourself an art from scratch

15. Adopted a child

16. Had food poisoning

17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty

18. Grown your own vegetables

19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France

20. Slept on an overnight train.

21. Had a pillow fight

22. Hitch hiked

23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill

24. Built a snow fort --did it the other day

25. Held a lamb

26. Gone skinny dipping

27. Run a Marathon

28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice

29. Seen a total eclipse

30. Watched a sunrise or sunset

31. Hit a home run

32. Been on a cruise

33. Seen Niagara Falls in person

34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors

35. Seen an Amish community

36. Taught yourself a new language

37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied

38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person

39. Gone rock climbing

40. Seen Michelangelo's David

41. Sung karaoke

42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt

43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant

44. Visited Africa

45. Walked on a beach by moonlight

46. Been transported in an ambulance --not me but my junior year roomie, i rode with her

47. Had your portrait painted

48. Gone deep sea fishing

49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person

50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris

51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling

52. Kissed in the rain

53. Played in the mud

54. Gone to a drive-in theater

55. Been in a movie

56. Visited the Great Wall of China

57. Started a business

58. Taken a martial arts class

59. Visited Russia

60. Served at a soup kitchen

61. Sold Girl Scout cookies

62. Gone whale watching

63. Got flowers for no reason

64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma

65. Gone sky diving

66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp

67. Bounced a check

68. Flown in a helicopter

69. Saved a favorite childhood toy

70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial

71. Eaten Caviar

72. Pieced a quilt

73. Stood in Times Square

74. Toured the Everglades

75. Been fired from a job

76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London.

77. Broken a bone

78. Been on a speeding motorcycle

79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person

80. Published a book

81. Visited the Vatican

82. Bought a brand new car

83. Walked in Jerusalem

84. Had your picture in the newspaper

85. Read the entire Bible

86. Visited the White House

87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating

88. Had chickenpox

89. Saved someone’s life

90. Sat on a jury

91. Met someone famous

92. Joined a book club

93. Lost a loved one

94. Had a baby

95. Seen the Alamo in person

96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake

97. Been involved in a lawsuit

98. Owned a cellphone --i'm on my 5th one

99. Been stung by a bee

100. Read an entire book in one day.

Damn I only got 32. I need to travel more.

February Carnival: Love or Break up letter

Considering I have NO one to write a letter to, I'm going to opt for the break up latter. I just went through my facebook and found this letter that I wrote almost 3 months ago to the Brit. It's really not a break up letter, but a more of a I hate your stinking guts because of what you've put me through and everything I've wanted to say but never had the guts to when I was sober. I also edited it a little.

November 10th 2008 2:50 am


Dear The Brit,

I cannot believe you just IGNORED me for 2 weeks. Seriously. I am HE LOVES ME NOT I don't put up with this. I am so over you making me wait and sit around for you to make an excuse for not speaking to me for so damn long. You've had time to get on facebook and what not. You are so out of excuses. At one point I thought I was falling into more than just "like" with you. I can't even say the other four letter l word because it hurts/pisses me off too much. As I said, I'm so over this now. You've proven to me that no matter where I go in the world no matter what happens, ALL GUYS ARE THE SAME. Thanks for making me make one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I can't even fully express in words how I feel. It's a mixture of hurt, saddness and extremely pissed off. But I know that I'll always remember though that time we had in Bath [England]. I'm probably going to to hang on to that for the rest of my life because I'll never regret it. Ever. I had such high hopes even when everyone was telling me don't. Or when they were too scared to hit me up side the head with a 2x4. Right now at this moment. I wish they did so I wouldn't be in this mess right now. Writing this at 3am spilling my heart out. It took a lot to take your picture off my wall and turn my claddagh ring around and admit that I was wrong. I hate regretting things, but now the only thing I regret is thinking that this could go beyond what he had those few special nights in England. I don't like to believe that I make the wrong decisons. This time, maybe I didn't. Maybe I made the right decision to learn the right lesson. And maybe that's all I have left to thank you for. Thank you for making me realize, that no matter how amazing a guy seems, if he has a girlfriend and cheats on her, he is NOT as good as he appears to be. I promise never ever to fall for a guy like you ever again. So, when the voicemails you've left me telling me how much you miss me finally expires and your messages delete from facebook, you'll just be a fading memory like everything else from Bath. One day I'll just be able to delete you from facebook all together, because it's the only way I have to contact you. I know it will take time and you won't just go away, I can't bring myself to hit the "delete friend" button. But one day you will become something I won't hang on to any longer. Just know that I'm so embarrassed because everyone thought I was a fool for falling in love with you but didn't have the heart to say it out loud to make any difference. Now, you won't even respond to me. So I'm going to try to not stare at your face a million times a day and when the time comes for when I was supposed to visit you, I will try to be strong and ignore the pull at my heart.

Love,
He loves me not.

dabagirls.com

Okay, so this has nothing to do with me personally. But I'm currently obsessed with dabagirls.com. I just caught up on all the posts since they started (not a very big feat since it was only started in september). It is all very amusing and has an interesting take on our economy today. I know people grumble and complain about our economy. But honestly, it hasn't effected me yet because I just graduated (okay, getting a job was hard) and I don't have a real job. I personally am going back to school to get a degree in a field that will always be needed (teaching) so even if I cant do it in the US there are always other countries that need teachers. But to see how the economy has effected the high rollers that I used to envy when I went into the city makes me kind of giggle. I'm sorry but they will NEVER know what it's like to REALLY scrape for money and to read about them complaining that .gasp. they can't have their bi-monthly facial makes me laugh and kind of sick all at the sametime. I would like to think that all of this is fictional though. That this is just an adult web version of the gossip girl books that I used to read back in high school. But there is a feeling in my gut that tells me, most of this is probably not fabricated.

On the other hand, I do feel bad for them because it's not their fault that their relationships are going down the shitter. (Okay, some of them it is their fault because they were a bit too greedy for my taste). But stress over the economy for the guys is raging everyday, it become impossible to concentrate on anything else. However, I feel like some of them could be a bit more understanding and try to shed more light on a bad situation. A lot of them obviously are not truly in love with the man they are with, and despite the economy, it was a doomed relationship in the first place. I personally don't care about how much a guy makes or what I can get out of the relationship materialistically. The last two guys I have been attracted to have been guys with substance to their careers. They are making a DIFFERENCE in the world from what they do (teacher and child advocate). Sure, they will never be able to take me on 4 trips to milan in 6 months. But I like the idea that they can wake up in the morning and feel that they are going to touch someones life that day.

I also admire how the dabagirls are very open about their sexual desires. I on the other hand, am not. Okay, so you know I reference "hooking up" but none of you know exactly my definition of this term. It really can be anything from making out horizontally to full blow out sex-scapeds. I kind of like leaving you hanging on that one. Like did I bang Irish? Or did we just make out with heavy petting? Either way. I need to get myself some more of that because 1 year without sex and only a handful of making out horizontally or not has left me wanting more more more!!! I hate to hear my friends complain about it being 4 days. I can't help but LOUDLY reminding them that it has been ONE YEAR since mine. AND I NEED SOME NOW. I guess I could buy a dildo or something, but that doesn't satisfy my need for a post-hook up (sex or no sex...you can debt that yourself) cuddle. Can someone please ship me a boyfriend for all my sexual pleasures? I prefer 6'2", blue eyes and a steady job and a college education.

College days and locked lips

Sorry I've been absent these past couple days. I went back to school for the weekend to relive my college days from 6 weeks ago haha. It was fun, but weird to be back. I've settled into my life here at the apartment. I do what I want and don't have to worry about school work, and going to the bars in the city is way more fun than our one bar at school. We did have fun despite that, like hitching a ride with a random person up the hill (he didn't even go there) and punching a guys lights out and dancing on the bar. I miss my friends though and their craziness. They always have some kind of juicy gossip going around. There were many hook ups and locked lips this weekend. Including my own.

So my juice for the weekend....it didn't happen back at school but juice did happen. So I got back Sunday after a long weekend of drinking to my apartment and I was talking to the Irish online as usual. He mentioned that he wished I had decided to go over last night instead of Wednesday like we planned. So I told him that I could go over since I didn't really have any plans for the super bowl. I went. We made out. I stayed the night. We hooked up. It was fun, he's nice, a lot cuter in person. The same person that I have been talking to online and through texts, he didn't change in person. But I shouldn't have stayed. I should've gone home (the 40 minute drive in the cold dark, and his sweet pleads to stay won me over in the end). Now I feel like he's being weird. We used to text all day. Today they were few and far between...we were both tired though so that was probably it. Especially since we only got a couple hours sleep. I liked our whitty banter and conversation. I don't want that to end, especially since we've actually met now. I'm still supposed to go over Wednesday night as of right now. Not staying over though, we agreed on that. Hooking up though again? I don't know. Everytime I get with a guy I can't resist myself. I sound like a hook up aholic. I just might be, but it's always few and far between. I talk to the person for awhile then things just fizzle out. I want to find something solid. I really want this to work. I don't want things to get weird. I guess I just should not try to be so clingy or worry too much. We were just tired today. That's all right?


Also, to top things off. I was supposed to be in the air right now travelling to Italy to see the Brit. I haven't thought about him in a long time. I don't facebook stalk him as much. But when I realized the date, I couldn't help but shed a few tears. They've come down every so often today. I was in love with him and I don't think I'll ever forget it. At least not anytime soon.