We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful what we pretend to be.- Kurt Vonnegut

Back in the days of high school I read this book called Sloppy Firsts by Megan McCafferty. Amazing book. Then she wrote sequels to it, Second Helpings, Charmed Thirds and Fourth Comings. All good good good. So I was rereading the first 3 and borrowed the new fourth one from the library and finished it today. During this, I realized I was reading my life. The books are about Jessica Darling and are basically her journals throughout high school and college. She goes through the typical teen angst, but in a witty manner and through a crazy relationship with a boy called Marcus Flutie and they are on again, off again. She goes to Columbia, majors in Psychology and ends up not knowing what she's doing for the rest of her life and in serious debt.

So maybe I don't have a boyfriend that's lasted through high school, but I certainly lived the teen angst, and the weird awkward college years and I have DEFINETELY landed in the same place Jessica Darling did. In debt, no direction and finally...oops don't want to spoil the ending. I do suggest reading them, good light reads. Oh yeah and did I mention that both of us graduated a semester early to save money, but are still in huge debt?

But anyway, having this realization today while working as a nanny, I freaked out a little. I have absolutely NO idea what I want to do for the rest of my life. I don't really have any talents, unless you count reading a whole book in one day. I have inspiration or connections or guidance. And then I started to really panic. WHAT IF I END UP BEING A NOTHING FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE?! I have a HUGE college debt that I'm sure my children will end up paying for me because God knows I never will get around to it. I can't even get a jump start on anything because I have no direction. Everything in my life is temporary. My job, my living situation, my friends. I wish someone would just push me into something so I would know. I feel like everyone knows what they want and I'm just hopelessly lost lost lost.

Maybe that's why I'm so desperately looking for a guy because then I would be able to move in one direction with SOMETHING in my life. Right now I have too much freedom and it's too overwhelming. I can do whatever I want. I can move anywhere, do anything. I have nothing holding me back (well, almost nothing...stupid loans). But then again, thinking about Kurt Vonnegut's quote, I am only pretending to be free because really, I've trapped myself. I am not free because I'm too scared to make any life decisions. After making some really stupid ones recently, I realized I need to be more careful. I know I have plenty of time to make big decisions, but I'm so nervous about it all. I just don't know what to do and I feel paralyzed by my fear of not knowing where to go, not knowing if I even have a passion. It makes me feel really worthless right now, like my life is not fulfilling and my oppotunities are wasted on someone that doesn't deserve it. There are people younger than me doing great things and I sit on a couch and read my life away. Not even on intellectual books, at least those would be slightly more impressive.