Remember awhile back when I was freaking out about the future? Well I officially signed up to go back to school this summer. I just got accepted to this program for people that want to go into teaching and already have their bachelor's degree, so it's a mix of graduate classes and undergraduate classes. I should be done in about 1 year. I'm finally doing something to really start the rest of my life. I should feel good about this right?
Wrong.
What if I don't even want to teach? I guess I'll figure it out, but I've had bad experiences through field experience before and it kind of turned me off the teaching. But it was all at one school and I hadn't taken any real education classes in order to prepare me for what I had to do. But what if this isn't for me? This program is too expensive to decide mid-way through that I don't want to do it.
I also can't keep my au pair job for as long as I would like because I have to do student teaching and there's just no way they will let me take off for 13 days one semester and then 60 days another semester. Plus, with class schedules I'll have to have a more flexible schedule. So that will be another added stress to it all- finding another job. But at least I'll be on my way to a real job with benefits and everything. That I can't wait for. I know people say don't try to grow up too fast. But what happens when you're already an adult but no living like one? Well, life gets awful difficult, because I'm there right now. If I had a real job I wouldn't be so strapped right now for everything I would like to do.
Sometimes I wish I could jsut fast forward life so that I can get to the point I want to be at. I'm not asking for anything big or glamorous. I just want to have a decent job that I enjoy. I want to be settled down. Not at the point where I want a family, but with someone that is more permenant than not. I want to get a new dog, mine was just put to sleep and I miss having that companionship, even though I'm in another state, it was nice knowing that when I went home there would always be someone the greet me at the door. I'm sad about him dying, but I know he lived a long life...19 years. He moved on, now I want to. I want to be able to not have to worry about getting sick because I'll have health insurance. I want to have a real home to call my own and throw dinner parties and brunches. I want to be proud of where I live and have everything be MINE not someone elses nice stuff (the roommate). As fast as the past 4 months have been, I wish I could just get to the point in my life so that I can actually experience something.
I realized today how being out of school since December has really changed me. I'm over the college thing. Yes, I miss my school very much. But I'm perfectly content doing the things I do now. I'm also saving a lot of money that I would've been spending on alcohol. Today I went to the zoo with the bf (totally for free!) and saw the baby elephant that was just born. Tonight we stayed in, and I'm okay with not going out and getting crazy drunk. It's no fun being hung over all day anyways. I thought the friends I made in college would also be forever, but lately I've been realizing that they may not. They don't understand that I pine away for school like they eventually will. I don't really get too attached to places like that. It's hard because we're constantly on the move and you can't cling on to every place that you love. I was ready to leave after studying aboard in England. Today one person tried to rub in my face that I was missing a really famous alum going to visit the school and while a little part of me was jealous. I realized that I wouldn't have wanted to spend my day any differently.
In short. I'm ready for life. Come out, come out wherever you are.
4/19/2009
4/16/2009
Nothing's perfect
So while having a heart to heart today with the roomie (we're kinda talking again...long story short: she did something really shitty to me to make up for the bf being there all the time) because both the boys were gone we discovered we are very much alike when it comes to our relationships, it's kinda scary.
1. We both can't discuss things with our bfs that we disagree with them on. It's frustrates us, gets us no where and ends up making us have to take a 15 minute breather in our closets (they are quite spacious).
2. We like to pick fights. I almost made him sleep in the closet last night because he went to go help some friends and didn't come back until 3:30am. I was pissed. I wouldn't let him touch me. He almost slept in my closet.
3. We get angry at them when they over commit themselves aka both have sports that have start (mine: baseball hers: golf) and they disappear. At least her bf comes back when the sun goes down. Mine doesn't start until I get off of work.
4. They both either text or recieve texts (mine gets them but doesn't respond) to ex gfs. It drives us crazyyyyyyy. I personally get really enraged I have fantasies about grabbing the phone locking myself in the bathroom and giving the stupid girl a piece of my mind. Seriously, this one ex occasionally texts him at 5am and has to hold me back from grabbing is phone and screaming at her. She keeps texting him (yeah, I've snooped and read them) about how he lied to her (I confessed about snooping and got the whole story...from him mom lol..and then him) and she's so much better than him now and how his new gf (ME) looks like she has down syndrome. Don't even get my started on that comment she kept making because seriously that is so not cool on so many levels. I pretty much want her to start the car in a closed garage or something.
Gosh, from all of this it seems like I'm in the worse relationship ever. Don't get me wrong though I love him. I know it hasn't been that long (2 months), but with all the shit we've been through already...how can I not? He does treat me right (had dinner cooked for me by the time I got home from work yesterday), buys me little things, always tells me I'm beautiful once a day (he owes me that one today) and calls me at least once a day while I'm at work. There's been some talk about living together (it's just economically smarter since we're always together) when our leases are up. I don't know if it will work out, but we're going to try. At least then I won't have to worry about getting up and unlocking the door late at night for him.
1. We both can't discuss things with our bfs that we disagree with them on. It's frustrates us, gets us no where and ends up making us have to take a 15 minute breather in our closets (they are quite spacious).
2. We like to pick fights. I almost made him sleep in the closet last night because he went to go help some friends and didn't come back until 3:30am. I was pissed. I wouldn't let him touch me. He almost slept in my closet.
3. We get angry at them when they over commit themselves aka both have sports that have start (mine: baseball hers: golf) and they disappear. At least her bf comes back when the sun goes down. Mine doesn't start until I get off of work.
4. They both either text or recieve texts (mine gets them but doesn't respond) to ex gfs. It drives us crazyyyyyyy. I personally get really enraged I have fantasies about grabbing the phone locking myself in the bathroom and giving the stupid girl a piece of my mind. Seriously, this one ex occasionally texts him at 5am and has to hold me back from grabbing is phone and screaming at her. She keeps texting him (yeah, I've snooped and read them) about how he lied to her (I confessed about snooping and got the whole story...from him mom lol..and then him) and she's so much better than him now and how his new gf (ME) looks like she has down syndrome. Don't even get my started on that comment she kept making because seriously that is so not cool on so many levels. I pretty much want her to start the car in a closed garage or something.
Gosh, from all of this it seems like I'm in the worse relationship ever. Don't get me wrong though I love him. I know it hasn't been that long (2 months), but with all the shit we've been through already...how can I not? He does treat me right (had dinner cooked for me by the time I got home from work yesterday), buys me little things, always tells me I'm beautiful once a day (he owes me that one today) and calls me at least once a day while I'm at work. There's been some talk about living together (it's just economically smarter since we're always together) when our leases are up. I don't know if it will work out, but we're going to try. At least then I won't have to worry about getting up and unlocking the door late at night for him.
4/03/2009
How old are we again?
My roommate has officially pissed me off. So the bf has been hanging around my apartment more since he got out. Mostly because I wouldn't let him drive since he still doesn't have his license back. I thought the roomie would be fine with it since oh her bf is here all the time, I've put up with him and eating my food for the past 3 months and leaving dirty dishes in the sink and me picking up after both of them. I thought this would illicit some understanding as my bf being around just as much. I thought wrong.
So last Wednesday I woke up early to drop the bf off downtown for his court hearing. We made plans for him to just come back to my place afterwards since he had my keys anyways. Everything is fine, I drop him off. He calls me to tell me that everything in this state is dropped too. YAY. He gets back to my place and goes to turn on the tv. However, the remotes are no where to be found. Not in the cushions. Not in the kitchen by accident. No where. He calls me to ask me if I knew where they were. Nope, the only place I could think of is if my roomie accidently brought htem into her room. Oh, they are there. But it is no accident. She HID them in her desk drawer. Seriously, if she had a problem with him being around so much, then she should have SAID something instead of freaking hiding the remotes. I thought this was plenty immature.
I text her asking her if she's mad about anything. I didn't call because I knew she was at work. She texts back later that night, no. Then she calls me the next day saying she's stressed about work, taking it out on everyone, yes the bf is there a lot, but she's really just stressed. Okay. Fine. But grow up. TALK to me instead of pulling a stunt like that. We're not in college anymore. This isn't a dorm room where you can just switch rooms. We're ADULTS now if you didn't notice. Plus, on top of that I don't know why she's pissed about MY bf being there all the time, when like I said hers is there just as much and eats my food. My bf at least makes an effort to make it seem like he's not even there. He doesn't eat anything that he knows isn't mine, he never leaves dishes in the sink and he picks up after the two of THEM sometimes. He's been so good time me and even to them because he's cooked for them before too. She really has NO reason to complain. Now what sucks the most is that my bf doesn't feel comfortable at my apartment anymore. Tonight is the first night we've been here in over 48 hours. On Wednesday I came home packed some bags and didn't come back until now and only because she's away for work for the weekend. Gosh, how lame is this. Only 8 more months of my lease...
So last Wednesday I woke up early to drop the bf off downtown for his court hearing. We made plans for him to just come back to my place afterwards since he had my keys anyways. Everything is fine, I drop him off. He calls me to tell me that everything in this state is dropped too. YAY. He gets back to my place and goes to turn on the tv. However, the remotes are no where to be found. Not in the cushions. Not in the kitchen by accident. No where. He calls me to ask me if I knew where they were. Nope, the only place I could think of is if my roomie accidently brought htem into her room. Oh, they are there. But it is no accident. She HID them in her desk drawer. Seriously, if she had a problem with him being around so much, then she should have SAID something instead of freaking hiding the remotes. I thought this was plenty immature.
I text her asking her if she's mad about anything. I didn't call because I knew she was at work. She texts back later that night, no. Then she calls me the next day saying she's stressed about work, taking it out on everyone, yes the bf is there a lot, but she's really just stressed. Okay. Fine. But grow up. TALK to me instead of pulling a stunt like that. We're not in college anymore. This isn't a dorm room where you can just switch rooms. We're ADULTS now if you didn't notice. Plus, on top of that I don't know why she's pissed about MY bf being there all the time, when like I said hers is there just as much and eats my food. My bf at least makes an effort to make it seem like he's not even there. He doesn't eat anything that he knows isn't mine, he never leaves dishes in the sink and he picks up after the two of THEM sometimes. He's been so good time me and even to them because he's cooked for them before too. She really has NO reason to complain. Now what sucks the most is that my bf doesn't feel comfortable at my apartment anymore. Tonight is the first night we've been here in over 48 hours. On Wednesday I came home packed some bags and didn't come back until now and only because she's away for work for the weekend. Gosh, how lame is this. Only 8 more months of my lease...
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