Remember awhile back when I was freaking out about the future? Well I officially signed up to go back to school this summer. I just got accepted to this program for people that want to go into teaching and already have their bachelor's degree, so it's a mix of graduate classes and undergraduate classes. I should be done in about 1 year. I'm finally doing something to really start the rest of my life. I should feel good about this right?
Wrong.
What if I don't even want to teach? I guess I'll figure it out, but I've had bad experiences through field experience before and it kind of turned me off the teaching. But it was all at one school and I hadn't taken any real education classes in order to prepare me for what I had to do. But what if this isn't for me? This program is too expensive to decide mid-way through that I don't want to do it.
I also can't keep my au pair job for as long as I would like because I have to do student teaching and there's just no way they will let me take off for 13 days one semester and then 60 days another semester. Plus, with class schedules I'll have to have a more flexible schedule. So that will be another added stress to it all- finding another job. But at least I'll be on my way to a real job with benefits and everything. That I can't wait for. I know people say don't try to grow up too fast. But what happens when you're already an adult but no living like one? Well, life gets awful difficult, because I'm there right now. If I had a real job I wouldn't be so strapped right now for everything I would like to do.
Sometimes I wish I could jsut fast forward life so that I can get to the point I want to be at. I'm not asking for anything big or glamorous. I just want to have a decent job that I enjoy. I want to be settled down. Not at the point where I want a family, but with someone that is more permenant than not. I want to get a new dog, mine was just put to sleep and I miss having that companionship, even though I'm in another state, it was nice knowing that when I went home there would always be someone the greet me at the door. I'm sad about him dying, but I know he lived a long life...19 years. He moved on, now I want to. I want to be able to not have to worry about getting sick because I'll have health insurance. I want to have a real home to call my own and throw dinner parties and brunches. I want to be proud of where I live and have everything be MINE not someone elses nice stuff (the roommate). As fast as the past 4 months have been, I wish I could just get to the point in my life so that I can actually experience something.
I realized today how being out of school since December has really changed me. I'm over the college thing. Yes, I miss my school very much. But I'm perfectly content doing the things I do now. I'm also saving a lot of money that I would've been spending on alcohol. Today I went to the zoo with the bf (totally for free!) and saw the baby elephant that was just born. Tonight we stayed in, and I'm okay with not going out and getting crazy drunk. It's no fun being hung over all day anyways. I thought the friends I made in college would also be forever, but lately I've been realizing that they may not. They don't understand that I pine away for school like they eventually will. I don't really get too attached to places like that. It's hard because we're constantly on the move and you can't cling on to every place that you love. I was ready to leave after studying aboard in England. Today one person tried to rub in my face that I was missing a really famous alum going to visit the school and while a little part of me was jealous. I realized that I wouldn't have wanted to spend my day any differently.
In short. I'm ready for life. Come out, come out wherever you are.
4/19/2009
4/16/2009
Nothing's perfect
So while having a heart to heart today with the roomie (we're kinda talking again...long story short: she did something really shitty to me to make up for the bf being there all the time) because both the boys were gone we discovered we are very much alike when it comes to our relationships, it's kinda scary.
1. We both can't discuss things with our bfs that we disagree with them on. It's frustrates us, gets us no where and ends up making us have to take a 15 minute breather in our closets (they are quite spacious).
2. We like to pick fights. I almost made him sleep in the closet last night because he went to go help some friends and didn't come back until 3:30am. I was pissed. I wouldn't let him touch me. He almost slept in my closet.
3. We get angry at them when they over commit themselves aka both have sports that have start (mine: baseball hers: golf) and they disappear. At least her bf comes back when the sun goes down. Mine doesn't start until I get off of work.
4. They both either text or recieve texts (mine gets them but doesn't respond) to ex gfs. It drives us crazyyyyyyy. I personally get really enraged I have fantasies about grabbing the phone locking myself in the bathroom and giving the stupid girl a piece of my mind. Seriously, this one ex occasionally texts him at 5am and has to hold me back from grabbing is phone and screaming at her. She keeps texting him (yeah, I've snooped and read them) about how he lied to her (I confessed about snooping and got the whole story...from him mom lol..and then him) and she's so much better than him now and how his new gf (ME) looks like she has down syndrome. Don't even get my started on that comment she kept making because seriously that is so not cool on so many levels. I pretty much want her to start the car in a closed garage or something.
Gosh, from all of this it seems like I'm in the worse relationship ever. Don't get me wrong though I love him. I know it hasn't been that long (2 months), but with all the shit we've been through already...how can I not? He does treat me right (had dinner cooked for me by the time I got home from work yesterday), buys me little things, always tells me I'm beautiful once a day (he owes me that one today) and calls me at least once a day while I'm at work. There's been some talk about living together (it's just economically smarter since we're always together) when our leases are up. I don't know if it will work out, but we're going to try. At least then I won't have to worry about getting up and unlocking the door late at night for him.
1. We both can't discuss things with our bfs that we disagree with them on. It's frustrates us, gets us no where and ends up making us have to take a 15 minute breather in our closets (they are quite spacious).
2. We like to pick fights. I almost made him sleep in the closet last night because he went to go help some friends and didn't come back until 3:30am. I was pissed. I wouldn't let him touch me. He almost slept in my closet.
3. We get angry at them when they over commit themselves aka both have sports that have start (mine: baseball hers: golf) and they disappear. At least her bf comes back when the sun goes down. Mine doesn't start until I get off of work.
4. They both either text or recieve texts (mine gets them but doesn't respond) to ex gfs. It drives us crazyyyyyyy. I personally get really enraged I have fantasies about grabbing the phone locking myself in the bathroom and giving the stupid girl a piece of my mind. Seriously, this one ex occasionally texts him at 5am and has to hold me back from grabbing is phone and screaming at her. She keeps texting him (yeah, I've snooped and read them) about how he lied to her (I confessed about snooping and got the whole story...from him mom lol..and then him) and she's so much better than him now and how his new gf (ME) looks like she has down syndrome. Don't even get my started on that comment she kept making because seriously that is so not cool on so many levels. I pretty much want her to start the car in a closed garage or something.
Gosh, from all of this it seems like I'm in the worse relationship ever. Don't get me wrong though I love him. I know it hasn't been that long (2 months), but with all the shit we've been through already...how can I not? He does treat me right (had dinner cooked for me by the time I got home from work yesterday), buys me little things, always tells me I'm beautiful once a day (he owes me that one today) and calls me at least once a day while I'm at work. There's been some talk about living together (it's just economically smarter since we're always together) when our leases are up. I don't know if it will work out, but we're going to try. At least then I won't have to worry about getting up and unlocking the door late at night for him.
4/03/2009
How old are we again?
My roommate has officially pissed me off. So the bf has been hanging around my apartment more since he got out. Mostly because I wouldn't let him drive since he still doesn't have his license back. I thought the roomie would be fine with it since oh her bf is here all the time, I've put up with him and eating my food for the past 3 months and leaving dirty dishes in the sink and me picking up after both of them. I thought this would illicit some understanding as my bf being around just as much. I thought wrong.
So last Wednesday I woke up early to drop the bf off downtown for his court hearing. We made plans for him to just come back to my place afterwards since he had my keys anyways. Everything is fine, I drop him off. He calls me to tell me that everything in this state is dropped too. YAY. He gets back to my place and goes to turn on the tv. However, the remotes are no where to be found. Not in the cushions. Not in the kitchen by accident. No where. He calls me to ask me if I knew where they were. Nope, the only place I could think of is if my roomie accidently brought htem into her room. Oh, they are there. But it is no accident. She HID them in her desk drawer. Seriously, if she had a problem with him being around so much, then she should have SAID something instead of freaking hiding the remotes. I thought this was plenty immature.
I text her asking her if she's mad about anything. I didn't call because I knew she was at work. She texts back later that night, no. Then she calls me the next day saying she's stressed about work, taking it out on everyone, yes the bf is there a lot, but she's really just stressed. Okay. Fine. But grow up. TALK to me instead of pulling a stunt like that. We're not in college anymore. This isn't a dorm room where you can just switch rooms. We're ADULTS now if you didn't notice. Plus, on top of that I don't know why she's pissed about MY bf being there all the time, when like I said hers is there just as much and eats my food. My bf at least makes an effort to make it seem like he's not even there. He doesn't eat anything that he knows isn't mine, he never leaves dishes in the sink and he picks up after the two of THEM sometimes. He's been so good time me and even to them because he's cooked for them before too. She really has NO reason to complain. Now what sucks the most is that my bf doesn't feel comfortable at my apartment anymore. Tonight is the first night we've been here in over 48 hours. On Wednesday I came home packed some bags and didn't come back until now and only because she's away for work for the weekend. Gosh, how lame is this. Only 8 more months of my lease...
So last Wednesday I woke up early to drop the bf off downtown for his court hearing. We made plans for him to just come back to my place afterwards since he had my keys anyways. Everything is fine, I drop him off. He calls me to tell me that everything in this state is dropped too. YAY. He gets back to my place and goes to turn on the tv. However, the remotes are no where to be found. Not in the cushions. Not in the kitchen by accident. No where. He calls me to ask me if I knew where they were. Nope, the only place I could think of is if my roomie accidently brought htem into her room. Oh, they are there. But it is no accident. She HID them in her desk drawer. Seriously, if she had a problem with him being around so much, then she should have SAID something instead of freaking hiding the remotes. I thought this was plenty immature.
I text her asking her if she's mad about anything. I didn't call because I knew she was at work. She texts back later that night, no. Then she calls me the next day saying she's stressed about work, taking it out on everyone, yes the bf is there a lot, but she's really just stressed. Okay. Fine. But grow up. TALK to me instead of pulling a stunt like that. We're not in college anymore. This isn't a dorm room where you can just switch rooms. We're ADULTS now if you didn't notice. Plus, on top of that I don't know why she's pissed about MY bf being there all the time, when like I said hers is there just as much and eats my food. My bf at least makes an effort to make it seem like he's not even there. He doesn't eat anything that he knows isn't mine, he never leaves dishes in the sink and he picks up after the two of THEM sometimes. He's been so good time me and even to them because he's cooked for them before too. She really has NO reason to complain. Now what sucks the most is that my bf doesn't feel comfortable at my apartment anymore. Tonight is the first night we've been here in over 48 hours. On Wednesday I came home packed some bags and didn't come back until now and only because she's away for work for the weekend. Gosh, how lame is this. Only 8 more months of my lease...
3/27/2009
He's been gone for such a long time(Hey-la-day-la my boyfriend's back) Now he's back and things'll be fine
Just want you to all know, that Class 5 is outttt and all of his charges were dropped!! I'm probably the happiest girl alive. I'll give a full update Monday, we're off on a road trip to visit his family and some friends for the weekend. I'm nervoussss to meet his parents ah! Later gators!
3/19/2009
"And then the clouds opened up and God said 'I hate you Alfalfa' "
We've been together for a little over a month. I'm smitten though still scared as is my nature. I pick fights, he laughs and says that he'll see me after work. I cry, he does something amazing for me. I go crazy, he holds me until I'm calm. Too good to be true. Because then it's all taken away.
Last night he drove me to CVS to get nyquil so that I can sleep/breath at night. He forgot to turn the lights on for the car. A cop is behind us. And he is whisked away, because of charges I do not know about and it is all still complicated. I miss him so much it hurts. He doesn't know that I didn't leave the court house area for 12 hours. He doesn't know I haven't stopped crying in over 24 hours. He doesn't know that I'm wearing his shirt because it smells like him. He doesn't know I'm sleeping on the couch because my bed is too empty. He doesn't know I'm beside myself and I don't know what to do, I can't eat, I sleep very little. He doesn't know that I've fallen completely in love for him. I miss him. It hurt so much when I saw him in the court room. He didn't see me. I wish he did so that he knows I'm trying my hardest and I care. I'm glad he didn't because I lost it completely when I saw him. I can't be strong for him. I don't know how to. I called everyone I can. I pounded pavement all day. There is nothing I can do. I am alone. His parents are in Indiana. His friends are worthless. My roommate says I've done all I can, which is beyond what someone in a 1 month relationship would do. But I want a hug from the one person that can't give me one. I would give anything to just have him back. Homeless, jobless. I want him. I need him. I will not leave him out on the street. I don't care how sketchy it seems, how little time it's been. I wish I could not care. Say that one month is not worth it. But even if he was just a friend I would be doing the same thing. I love him. I miss him. Please, God, Please.
I have been bad at updating this because we've been spending so much time together. Now he is gone and I don't think I can update for awhile. I need him back. I need the next time I write to be good news. I need him to be looking over my shoulder, smiling about all the good things I tell you. I'll let you know when that happens. Until then, keep pulling those petals trying to get your way.
Last night he drove me to CVS to get nyquil so that I can sleep/breath at night. He forgot to turn the lights on for the car. A cop is behind us. And he is whisked away, because of charges I do not know about and it is all still complicated. I miss him so much it hurts. He doesn't know that I didn't leave the court house area for 12 hours. He doesn't know I haven't stopped crying in over 24 hours. He doesn't know that I'm wearing his shirt because it smells like him. He doesn't know I'm sleeping on the couch because my bed is too empty. He doesn't know I'm beside myself and I don't know what to do, I can't eat, I sleep very little. He doesn't know that I've fallen completely in love for him. I miss him. It hurt so much when I saw him in the court room. He didn't see me. I wish he did so that he knows I'm trying my hardest and I care. I'm glad he didn't because I lost it completely when I saw him. I can't be strong for him. I don't know how to. I called everyone I can. I pounded pavement all day. There is nothing I can do. I am alone. His parents are in Indiana. His friends are worthless. My roommate says I've done all I can, which is beyond what someone in a 1 month relationship would do. But I want a hug from the one person that can't give me one. I would give anything to just have him back. Homeless, jobless. I want him. I need him. I will not leave him out on the street. I don't care how sketchy it seems, how little time it's been. I wish I could not care. Say that one month is not worth it. But even if he was just a friend I would be doing the same thing. I love him. I miss him. Please, God, Please.
I have been bad at updating this because we've been spending so much time together. Now he is gone and I don't think I can update for awhile. I need him back. I need the next time I write to be good news. I need him to be looking over my shoulder, smiling about all the good things I tell you. I'll let you know when that happens. Until then, keep pulling those petals trying to get your way.
3/16/2009
He loves me...finallyyyyyy
Okay, here's the gossip.
1. I went on more date with other guys while still seeing the Class 5 clinger. All of them awkward and I was a terrible person and would call him afterwards to just cuddle. The more I learned about him and got to know him...I started to really like him. However, after all the SHIT I've been through with guys I was too scared to actually make it official. About 3 weeks into it though I realized I either had to end it or make it official. I made it official. He's now sitting next to me on the couch as I write this (He can't read it hahaha). HeLovesMeNot is offically NOT single. I didn't think this would happen, at least not this soon.
2. 3 days after making it official guess who I hear from???? THE BRIT. I CAN'T believe it. Only took him 5 freakin' months. But I finally have closure, I can let go and put him out of my mind. He said some pretty mean things like implying that he was angry at me for some reason but never alluded to the reason, but then also pulled at some heart strings by saying that he misses me and thinks about me a lot. I cried I'm not gonna lie. But like I said, I have closure. It's finally done and over with and I made the executive decision to cease all further contact with him because I deserve better than that and I finally have it.
3a. Okay...so some juice on THE ENEMY. I recently found out that even though The Teacher has no interest in her, he proceeded to hook up with her whilst incredibly intoxicated, thus furthering his asshole-ness. I actually feel bad for her because she really does like him and that really messed with her head...well I at least think so...I don't actually speak to her. So yeah, I feel sorry for her and hate him even more.
3b. This next story also includes her. So Friday night while hanging with the roomie, my bf (weirdddd) and roomies sister, I get a text from my Best Friend, that she found out I'm on the dating website. They found out because it turns out IRISH didn't meet THE ENEMY through a friend, but ON THE WEBSITE. WE GOT SET UP WITH THE SAME GUY! AND he LIED to me. I was SO pissed at him. AND I was incredibly embarassed that everyone knew about me being on it and it didn't help that the Teacher and his friend kept texting me about it. His friend (whom I know and am kinda friends with) was being nice about it and wanted to go egg her car with me. But the Teacher was being a total ass...espcially since I haven't talked to him since we hooked and I had to get my earrings back through my Best Friends guy. I didn't reply to the Teacher, and I told Irish he was an asshole and he should never talk to me again (okay okay, I didn't STOP talking to him even though I am dating someone...). Irish ended up unfriending myself and The ENEMY on facebook. How LAME. I thought at 26 and 28 (Irish and the The Teacher) guys were supposed to be more adult. Apparently not.
But none of that matters now, Class 5 Clinger is actually a really sweet guy. He does a lot for me and really cares about me. Even though we've only been officially together for a week, unofficially for a month, I can tell he does and I'm really falling for him. I hate to admit it because I really enjoyed being single (despite my rants). But I also enjoy having someone around all the time. And who knows...he might be the ONE.
1. I went on more date with other guys while still seeing the Class 5 clinger. All of them awkward and I was a terrible person and would call him afterwards to just cuddle. The more I learned about him and got to know him...I started to really like him. However, after all the SHIT I've been through with guys I was too scared to actually make it official. About 3 weeks into it though I realized I either had to end it or make it official. I made it official. He's now sitting next to me on the couch as I write this (He can't read it hahaha). HeLovesMeNot is offically NOT single. I didn't think this would happen, at least not this soon.
2. 3 days after making it official guess who I hear from???? THE BRIT. I CAN'T believe it. Only took him 5 freakin' months. But I finally have closure, I can let go and put him out of my mind. He said some pretty mean things like implying that he was angry at me for some reason but never alluded to the reason, but then also pulled at some heart strings by saying that he misses me and thinks about me a lot. I cried I'm not gonna lie. But like I said, I have closure. It's finally done and over with and I made the executive decision to cease all further contact with him because I deserve better than that and I finally have it.
3a. Okay...so some juice on THE ENEMY. I recently found out that even though The Teacher has no interest in her, he proceeded to hook up with her whilst incredibly intoxicated, thus furthering his asshole-ness. I actually feel bad for her because she really does like him and that really messed with her head...well I at least think so...I don't actually speak to her. So yeah, I feel sorry for her and hate him even more.
3b. This next story also includes her. So Friday night while hanging with the roomie, my bf (weirdddd) and roomies sister, I get a text from my Best Friend, that she found out I'm on the dating website. They found out because it turns out IRISH didn't meet THE ENEMY through a friend, but ON THE WEBSITE. WE GOT SET UP WITH THE SAME GUY! AND he LIED to me. I was SO pissed at him. AND I was incredibly embarassed that everyone knew about me being on it and it didn't help that the Teacher and his friend kept texting me about it. His friend (whom I know and am kinda friends with) was being nice about it and wanted to go egg her car with me. But the Teacher was being a total ass...espcially since I haven't talked to him since we hooked and I had to get my earrings back through my Best Friends guy. I didn't reply to the Teacher, and I told Irish he was an asshole and he should never talk to me again (okay okay, I didn't STOP talking to him even though I am dating someone...). Irish ended up unfriending myself and The ENEMY on facebook. How LAME. I thought at 26 and 28 (Irish and the The Teacher) guys were supposed to be more adult. Apparently not.
But none of that matters now, Class 5 Clinger is actually a really sweet guy. He does a lot for me and really cares about me. Even though we've only been officially together for a week, unofficially for a month, I can tell he does and I'm really falling for him. I hate to admit it because I really enjoyed being single (despite my rants). But I also enjoy having someone around all the time. And who knows...he might be the ONE.
3/12/2009
Absence.
I know I know I have not updated in a long time. A lot has happened love life wise. I shall update this weekend when I'm not totally wiped out. Tune back in by Sunday afternoon. Believe me, you'll want to because I have a lot of juice for you.
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