So last week I had a date with really hot guy. I basically wanted to rip his clothes off, throw our food off the table and start going at it right there. He pretty much was the sexiest man I've ever laid eyes on. We had a good time, we laughed and ate too much. However, after seeing the movie "He's just not that into you" I can safely come to the conclusion he did not like me quite as much. He said "It was nice meeting you, we should do this again sometime" at the end of the date and hasn't really talked to me since. Just like Shy guy. I strike out with all the guys I find really really attractive. WHY is that?!
Last night, the guy that likes me more than I like him came over. We made dinner, watched a movie and hooked up. While he very good at hooking up, he 1. makes funny faces when hooking up and 2. I AM STILL NOT PHYSICALLY attracted to him. WHICH SUCKS. He's SO nice and funny, it's becoming hard not to like him. But I don't know if I can get over the physical attraction thing. Is that completely shallow of me? Also, last night we consumed a bunch of alcohol and he convinced me that we should be exclusive, but not officially dating (which is basically dating without the label). And I'm totally regretting that decision 100%. I'm SO NOT ready for this. It's WAY WAY WAY too fast and I honestly don't know how to handle it without feeling totally guilty.
On another note, Irish wanted to come over tonight and in light of last nights exclusivity, I made up an excuse that I was going to visit my friends at school. He readily accepted the excuse. I thought he was over me anyways, so I was just really confused. We don't talk as much as we used to and I haven't been over there in almost 3 weeks. All signs pointed to OVER.
Why do guys have to so readily mess with my head? Honestly, my brain is swimming and I'm ready to cancel my website and go into hiding for the rest of my life. You guys can catch me in about 30 years, I'll be the old lady at the bar sipping extra dirty martinis with 4 olives hitting on the young college guys trying to relive the old simple days of random hook ups and sloppy make outs. Or the nun thing is also sounding pretty good also.
2/28/2009
2/22/2009
Keep on not loving me
So I never heard from Shy Guy this week. Terribly disappointing because he was so adorable. I hung out a couple times though with another guy. He's not that cute, I hate to sound so superficial but I'm really not physically attracted to him. He's really nice and all, but that's it and he keeps saying that he really likes me and that this could go somewhere. It's really actually starting to freak me out. I don't know if it's because I feel like he's moving too fast, that my standards are just too high or if possibly...I don't want to be in a relationship at all.
Yes, that's right.
I don't want to be in a relationship. I honestly think that this is it. I enjoy my independence. Being able to do what I want when I want without having to tell some guy what I'm doing and having him worry. I need someone that does not care about me drinking a lot, which is so so hard to find, I think college best friend found the only guy like that. I also like being able to flirt with whomever I want and not have to worry about anyone getting jealous. I also don't flirt intentionally and that gets the guy I'm dating mad because I keep doing what I do best, just being me.
Or maybe I've been single too long. No no. That can't be it.
Or maybe I'm just really picky and this guy IS scaring me away. He wants to hang out way too much. I need to let him back off a bit. We might even have to call him the Leech. Yes, perfect name. I feel like I would enjoy being in a relationship with someone. Just not him. I need to find the perfect guy. Good thing I have a date next week with another guy...
Yes, that's right.
I don't want to be in a relationship. I honestly think that this is it. I enjoy my independence. Being able to do what I want when I want without having to tell some guy what I'm doing and having him worry. I need someone that does not care about me drinking a lot, which is so so hard to find, I think college best friend found the only guy like that. I also like being able to flirt with whomever I want and not have to worry about anyone getting jealous. I also don't flirt intentionally and that gets the guy I'm dating mad because I keep doing what I do best, just being me.
Or maybe I've been single too long. No no. That can't be it.
Or maybe I'm just really picky and this guy IS scaring me away. He wants to hang out way too much. I need to let him back off a bit. We might even have to call him the Leech. Yes, perfect name. I feel like I would enjoy being in a relationship with someone. Just not him. I need to find the perfect guy. Good thing I have a date next week with another guy...
2/16/2009
Clarity and Confusion.
I have made some very important life decisions today:
1. I WILL go back to school for a teaching degree. I haven't decided what grades. But I decided I can't let one bad experience at a terrible high school ruin it for me. If I decide later on that I really don't want to teach well, at least I know it is for real and not because of one student.
2. I have to ride an elephant one day. I brought the boys (I'm an au pair remember?) to the zoo today and we watched the elephants for a good half hour. They are really amazing creatures, probably the most amazing to grace this planet. And for such a big animal they pretty much seem mild tempered. Don't get me wrong though, monkeys will always be my favorite animal. But it was too cold out for them today, so to make up for it I bought a monkey mask. Yes, I am 5 years old at heart.
3. I want to write a novel. I was looking back on this blog and realized that some of this with some editing could be a pretty witty chick lit novel. I need to brush up on the writing and my embellish somethings. But then who doesn't? I don't want it to be totally 100% my life anyways. What do my fellow readers think? It probably won't happen for a REALLY long time though because I don't really have the motivation to do so, I'm a pretty lazy person when it comes down to it. But one day...I want to accomplish this.
4. I like Shy Guy. After out date last night it was decided. But like all guys, I am confused by him. HE asked ME to a nice restaurant, so I assume that he does like me also because he wanted to see me again and spent a lot of money on dinner. He also didn't pick me up though. But he did pull out my chair for me. But then he only gave me a hug at the end. He did pay for it, no questions asked. But he didn't walk me to my car or tell me he would call me or anything. GUYS CONFUSE ME. I HATE THIS GAME. I wish everyone could just be like "I like you" or "I don't like you." And everything would be settled. I would totally do that if it didn't freak people out. Maybe I should try it one day though.
5. On that note, I've decided that with the guys I've been meeting I need to be 100% myself and not try to put on some show to get a guy. I will be me, I won't try to be some sweet delicate flower. Or you know how some women act differently around the guys they like? Well, I'm guilty of that and I'm ending it RIGHT NOW. If I've had a bad day I will be bitchy. If I want to get black out I will. I will be weird and crazy and if they can't handle it, then they can hop on the next bus!
1. I WILL go back to school for a teaching degree. I haven't decided what grades. But I decided I can't let one bad experience at a terrible high school ruin it for me. If I decide later on that I really don't want to teach well, at least I know it is for real and not because of one student.
2. I have to ride an elephant one day. I brought the boys (I'm an au pair remember?) to the zoo today and we watched the elephants for a good half hour. They are really amazing creatures, probably the most amazing to grace this planet. And for such a big animal they pretty much seem mild tempered. Don't get me wrong though, monkeys will always be my favorite animal. But it was too cold out for them today, so to make up for it I bought a monkey mask. Yes, I am 5 years old at heart.
3. I want to write a novel. I was looking back on this blog and realized that some of this with some editing could be a pretty witty chick lit novel. I need to brush up on the writing and my embellish somethings. But then who doesn't? I don't want it to be totally 100% my life anyways. What do my fellow readers think? It probably won't happen for a REALLY long time though because I don't really have the motivation to do so, I'm a pretty lazy person when it comes down to it. But one day...I want to accomplish this.
4. I like Shy Guy. After out date last night it was decided. But like all guys, I am confused by him. HE asked ME to a nice restaurant, so I assume that he does like me also because he wanted to see me again and spent a lot of money on dinner. He also didn't pick me up though. But he did pull out my chair for me. But then he only gave me a hug at the end. He did pay for it, no questions asked. But he didn't walk me to my car or tell me he would call me or anything. GUYS CONFUSE ME. I HATE THIS GAME. I wish everyone could just be like "I like you" or "I don't like you." And everything would be settled. I would totally do that if it didn't freak people out. Maybe I should try it one day though.
5. On that note, I've decided that with the guys I've been meeting I need to be 100% myself and not try to put on some show to get a guy. I will be me, I won't try to be some sweet delicate flower. Or you know how some women act differently around the guys they like? Well, I'm guilty of that and I'm ending it RIGHT NOW. If I've had a bad day I will be bitchy. If I want to get black out I will. I will be weird and crazy and if they can't handle it, then they can hop on the next bus!
2/15/2009
I don't know HOW to date.
College was so much easier to find a boyfriend. Period. End of story. You had parties, mutual friends, classes, clubs, sports, greek life. So many ways to meet so many people. Now, I randomly meet people at bars and instantly forget them. For example, really cute guy Friday night. We talked. I gave him my number. I will never hear from him again. Another random guy asked me out to dinner on Valentines day. I think he called later that night. And there are so many bars in this damn city that I will never see someone more than once.
So my remedy to this: remember when I broke and decided to join one of those stupid dating websites? Well, I've gone out to coffee with a few and talked to a bunch, hooked up with one (Irish is from there). Most have been flops and I feel bad because a couple of them keep badgering me to meet up for drinks or whatever. I keep kindly declining because I don't know what I would tell my roomie. She's already pretty suspicious of the dates I do go on because I keep saying I met them at a store or whatever.
Anyways, other than Irish there was one guy who I was particularly interested in, lets call him Shy Guy, because he really kind of is. It took him a bit to warm up to me, I had to crack a few jokes (not very good ones) and poke fun at him before he realy got comfortable. But I like that in a guy, I find it a lot more attractive than the overly forward. He's also TALL (I lust after tall guys and I'm only 5'2"!), has a good job, is smart, likes the same music (Blink is getting back together...I forsee a good date in that one...). He's kinda the total opposite of Irish, who is very forward. I don't know. I've got two opposite ends of the spectrum so I guess I'll just have to see. So tonight we're going out to dinner to this nice seafood reataurant place. And I'm nervous. I've never been out on a proper date other than all that coffee. I guess it's not toally proper because he's not picking me up, we're meeting there. But still, it's not going out for drinks with a lot of people around. It's just that this is my first real date ever and I'm 21 years old. I don't know what to wear. I don't know what to expect. We've already met once so we're past that first date stage. UGHHHH. I'm going to literally vom. My roomie thinks it would be hilarious if I brought along with me these "Date cards" that have conversation questions on them. It's just the kind of ridiculous thing that I would do, so I will. I don't know if I'll have the guts to actually whip them out. Maybe if the conversation is dying...haha. Why couldn't I have been one of those lucky girls that find their perfect match in college? I mean 60% of the people from my school end up marrying someone else from my school. No such luck for me. I'm actually getting sick of looking. I'm sick of the blind dates. I just want something to finally work out. Or maybe become a nun...do you still have to be a virgin for that?
So my remedy to this: remember when I broke and decided to join one of those stupid dating websites? Well, I've gone out to coffee with a few and talked to a bunch, hooked up with one (Irish is from there). Most have been flops and I feel bad because a couple of them keep badgering me to meet up for drinks or whatever. I keep kindly declining because I don't know what I would tell my roomie. She's already pretty suspicious of the dates I do go on because I keep saying I met them at a store or whatever.
Anyways, other than Irish there was one guy who I was particularly interested in, lets call him Shy Guy, because he really kind of is. It took him a bit to warm up to me, I had to crack a few jokes (not very good ones) and poke fun at him before he realy got comfortable. But I like that in a guy, I find it a lot more attractive than the overly forward. He's also TALL (I lust after tall guys and I'm only 5'2"!), has a good job, is smart, likes the same music (Blink is getting back together...I forsee a good date in that one...). He's kinda the total opposite of Irish, who is very forward. I don't know. I've got two opposite ends of the spectrum so I guess I'll just have to see. So tonight we're going out to dinner to this nice seafood reataurant place. And I'm nervous. I've never been out on a proper date other than all that coffee. I guess it's not toally proper because he's not picking me up, we're meeting there. But still, it's not going out for drinks with a lot of people around. It's just that this is my first real date ever and I'm 21 years old. I don't know what to wear. I don't know what to expect. We've already met once so we're past that first date stage. UGHHHH. I'm going to literally vom. My roomie thinks it would be hilarious if I brought along with me these "Date cards" that have conversation questions on them. It's just the kind of ridiculous thing that I would do, so I will. I don't know if I'll have the guts to actually whip them out. Maybe if the conversation is dying...haha. Why couldn't I have been one of those lucky girls that find their perfect match in college? I mean 60% of the people from my school end up marrying someone else from my school. No such luck for me. I'm actually getting sick of looking. I'm sick of the blind dates. I just want something to finally work out. Or maybe become a nun...do you still have to be a virgin for that?
2/14/2009
Singledom and Vday.
This is why I hate this holiday:
1. If you're single you are either depressed because you have no one. Or you're voming because all the love in the air is making you physically hurl.
I am the latter. Today I went shopping and there were so many freakin' couples holding hands and being all lovey dovey. I just wanted to ring someones neck. Fuck, I couldn't even get a pair of underwear without being assault by a couple practically doing it on the display tables. Okay, okay I get it. You love each other. But seriously, I know it's a cliche, but get a room!
2. If you're taken there is this pressure to make the day perfect, and if it's not your significant other will be disappointed.
Example: My roomie's boyfriend has to work tonight sothey tried to do their vday on Tuesday. They were supposed to go out to dinner where he works and blah blah blah. Well dinner plans fell through and instead of rescheduling he had this great idea to cook dinner together (okay, kinda romantic. But cooking with him is NO fun, I mean I couldn't even fry an egg this morning without him looking over my shoulder!!!) He got her flowers, she got him a LOT more than that. His flowers would've been fine if a. they had gone out to dinner or b. he picked something a bit more romantic to do. All of this left her slightly disappointed, and him hostile towards her. Telling her that she is ungrateful and he went out of his way to get flowers (it's not that hard to pick up a 5 dollar bouquet from the grocery store). Then today they were going to get brunch and he wanted to invite her parents! He couldn't even have one meal with her without inviting someone??? SO yeah, she was sad. But then to add in the mix, he complained to ME about her not being appreciative of him and how she should be satisfyed with the flowers. Okay, don't get my wrong here, the flowers were nice and she does appreciate them. But it's the WAY he went about things, making it seem like it was her fault. Well, I mentioned something to her about it and now it looks as if a fight/break up might ensue. She's currently in the other room crying and I don't know what to do. Because honestly, she deserves better. This guy is wayyyy to immature for her. Shoot I'm younger than him and he's way too immature for me.
3. I have a hard time avoiding wearing pink because all I wear is pink or black. Tonight I'm going with black.
To remedy this, I went out and bought 2 more black dresses. As if I needed anymore.
After this whole thing with the my roomie, I'm actually kind of glad I'm single. I got vday cards from my friends and my parents. A bottle of wine from the people I work for. I'm good. I'm happy. And tonight when we go out, all the guys will be single also because all the taken ones will be with their woman cuddling up on the couch with some cheesy movie (unless you're like me, you would drag your man out to a bar and have some real fun!!). So I won't be hitting on your man ladies. Psh, who needs chocolate and flowers anyways? The chocolate makes you fat and the flowers eventually die.
1. If you're single you are either depressed because you have no one. Or you're voming because all the love in the air is making you physically hurl.
I am the latter. Today I went shopping and there were so many freakin' couples holding hands and being all lovey dovey. I just wanted to ring someones neck. Fuck, I couldn't even get a pair of underwear without being assault by a couple practically doing it on the display tables. Okay, okay I get it. You love each other. But seriously, I know it's a cliche, but get a room!
2. If you're taken there is this pressure to make the day perfect, and if it's not your significant other will be disappointed.
Example: My roomie's boyfriend has to work tonight sothey tried to do their vday on Tuesday. They were supposed to go out to dinner where he works and blah blah blah. Well dinner plans fell through and instead of rescheduling he had this great idea to cook dinner together (okay, kinda romantic. But cooking with him is NO fun, I mean I couldn't even fry an egg this morning without him looking over my shoulder!!!) He got her flowers, she got him a LOT more than that. His flowers would've been fine if a. they had gone out to dinner or b. he picked something a bit more romantic to do. All of this left her slightly disappointed, and him hostile towards her. Telling her that she is ungrateful and he went out of his way to get flowers (it's not that hard to pick up a 5 dollar bouquet from the grocery store). Then today they were going to get brunch and he wanted to invite her parents! He couldn't even have one meal with her without inviting someone??? SO yeah, she was sad. But then to add in the mix, he complained to ME about her not being appreciative of him and how she should be satisfyed with the flowers. Okay, don't get my wrong here, the flowers were nice and she does appreciate them. But it's the WAY he went about things, making it seem like it was her fault. Well, I mentioned something to her about it and now it looks as if a fight/break up might ensue. She's currently in the other room crying and I don't know what to do. Because honestly, she deserves better. This guy is wayyyy to immature for her. Shoot I'm younger than him and he's way too immature for me.
3. I have a hard time avoiding wearing pink because all I wear is pink or black. Tonight I'm going with black.
To remedy this, I went out and bought 2 more black dresses. As if I needed anymore.
After this whole thing with the my roomie, I'm actually kind of glad I'm single. I got vday cards from my friends and my parents. A bottle of wine from the people I work for. I'm good. I'm happy. And tonight when we go out, all the guys will be single also because all the taken ones will be with their woman cuddling up on the couch with some cheesy movie (unless you're like me, you would drag your man out to a bar and have some real fun!!). So I won't be hitting on your man ladies. Psh, who needs chocolate and flowers anyways? The chocolate makes you fat and the flowers eventually die.
2/12/2009
We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful what we pretend to be.- Kurt Vonnegut
Back in the days of high school I read this book called Sloppy Firsts by Megan McCafferty. Amazing book. Then she wrote sequels to it, Second Helpings, Charmed Thirds and Fourth Comings. All good good good. So I was rereading the first 3 and borrowed the new fourth one from the library and finished it today. During this, I realized I was reading my life. The books are about Jessica Darling and are basically her journals throughout high school and college. She goes through the typical teen angst, but in a witty manner and through a crazy relationship with a boy called Marcus Flutie and they are on again, off again. She goes to Columbia, majors in Psychology and ends up not knowing what she's doing for the rest of her life and in serious debt.
So maybe I don't have a boyfriend that's lasted through high school, but I certainly lived the teen angst, and the weird awkward college years and I have DEFINETELY landed in the same place Jessica Darling did. In debt, no direction and finally...oops don't want to spoil the ending. I do suggest reading them, good light reads. Oh yeah and did I mention that both of us graduated a semester early to save money, but are still in huge debt?
But anyway, having this realization today while working as a nanny, I freaked out a little. I have absolutely NO idea what I want to do for the rest of my life. I don't really have any talents, unless you count reading a whole book in one day. I have inspiration or connections or guidance. And then I started to really panic. WHAT IF I END UP BEING A NOTHING FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE?! I have a HUGE college debt that I'm sure my children will end up paying for me because God knows I never will get around to it. I can't even get a jump start on anything because I have no direction. Everything in my life is temporary. My job, my living situation, my friends. I wish someone would just push me into something so I would know. I feel like everyone knows what they want and I'm just hopelessly lost lost lost.
Maybe that's why I'm so desperately looking for a guy because then I would be able to move in one direction with SOMETHING in my life. Right now I have too much freedom and it's too overwhelming. I can do whatever I want. I can move anywhere, do anything. I have nothing holding me back (well, almost nothing...stupid loans). But then again, thinking about Kurt Vonnegut's quote, I am only pretending to be free because really, I've trapped myself. I am not free because I'm too scared to make any life decisions. After making some really stupid ones recently, I realized I need to be more careful. I know I have plenty of time to make big decisions, but I'm so nervous about it all. I just don't know what to do and I feel paralyzed by my fear of not knowing where to go, not knowing if I even have a passion. It makes me feel really worthless right now, like my life is not fulfilling and my oppotunities are wasted on someone that doesn't deserve it. There are people younger than me doing great things and I sit on a couch and read my life away. Not even on intellectual books, at least those would be slightly more impressive.
So maybe I don't have a boyfriend that's lasted through high school, but I certainly lived the teen angst, and the weird awkward college years and I have DEFINETELY landed in the same place Jessica Darling did. In debt, no direction and finally...oops don't want to spoil the ending. I do suggest reading them, good light reads. Oh yeah and did I mention that both of us graduated a semester early to save money, but are still in huge debt?
But anyway, having this realization today while working as a nanny, I freaked out a little. I have absolutely NO idea what I want to do for the rest of my life. I don't really have any talents, unless you count reading a whole book in one day. I have inspiration or connections or guidance. And then I started to really panic. WHAT IF I END UP BEING A NOTHING FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE?! I have a HUGE college debt that I'm sure my children will end up paying for me because God knows I never will get around to it. I can't even get a jump start on anything because I have no direction. Everything in my life is temporary. My job, my living situation, my friends. I wish someone would just push me into something so I would know. I feel like everyone knows what they want and I'm just hopelessly lost lost lost.
Maybe that's why I'm so desperately looking for a guy because then I would be able to move in one direction with SOMETHING in my life. Right now I have too much freedom and it's too overwhelming. I can do whatever I want. I can move anywhere, do anything. I have nothing holding me back (well, almost nothing...stupid loans). But then again, thinking about Kurt Vonnegut's quote, I am only pretending to be free because really, I've trapped myself. I am not free because I'm too scared to make any life decisions. After making some really stupid ones recently, I realized I need to be more careful. I know I have plenty of time to make big decisions, but I'm so nervous about it all. I just don't know what to do and I feel paralyzed by my fear of not knowing where to go, not knowing if I even have a passion. It makes me feel really worthless right now, like my life is not fulfilling and my oppotunities are wasted on someone that doesn't deserve it. There are people younger than me doing great things and I sit on a couch and read my life away. Not even on intellectual books, at least those would be slightly more impressive.
2/08/2009
the joke continues
So after I wrote my post yesterday, I discovered more about my night. In my frenzy to get a cab and desperately make out with The Teacher (who has an amazing ass btw, I forgot to mention that. Okay, he has a good bod all over, but the ass is particularly spectacular.) I ran out of the bar through an emergency exit only gate straight into a cop. He yelled at me. Then I proceeded to walk over to the cop car and tried to get in because I thought it was a cab.
I should lay off the long islands from now on...stick with vod cranberry or something else that is not as strong as my typical long island.
I should lay off the long islands from now on...stick with vod cranberry or something else that is not as strong as my typical long island.
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